Will & Grace
Episode #9.06
Original Airdate 11/2/2017
Written by Tracy Poust & Jon Kinnally
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Minnie Driver (Lorraine Finster)
Mary Pat Gleason (Bridget)
Charles C. Stevenson Jr (Smitty)
Lidia Porto (Nurse Jill)
Edward Padilla (Priest)
JACK: "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
[GRACE, WILL, and JACK are standing around the desk when KAREN enters.]
KAREN: Sorry I'm late, but I got here as soon as I wanted to.
WILL: Karen, now that I'm working here, I think we need to have a little chat about getting here on time.
[BEAT. THEN ALL LAUGH.]
KAREN: You know, I spent half the morning trying to track down Rosario. I don't know where she went. She never takes a day off unless it's Christmas or "maids eat free" day at Applebee's.
WILL: Can't you just phone the vet and have them track her chip?
KAREN: Not if she's outside the perimeter.
WILL: I was kidding.
GRACE: Maybe she's tired. When was the last time she had a vacation?
KAREN: She just took a vacation. She went to the wine country.
WILL: You made her pick grapes.
KAREN: Oops. [GIGGLES]
[KAREN'S PHONE RINGS.]
KAREN: Here she is. [ANSWERING THE PHONE] Okay, Rosie, you've got some nerve, not showing up for work. You better be in the hospital. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. That's a good excuse. [HANGS UP] She's in the hospital.
[GRACE sits in the waiting area. WILL joins her, sitting down next to her.]
WILL: It was a heart attack. Looks like she'll pull through it. Jack's in with her now.
GRACE: Ugh, what a relief. You wanna know what's a little weird? My chest is feeling tight. I'm feeling pain in my right arm.
WILL: If you were having a heart attack, you'd feel pain in your left arm.
GRACE: [CLUTCHING HER LEFT ARM] Ow! [GASPS]
WILL: Maybe don't make this about you.
GRACE: You really want those to be the last words you ever say to me?
WILL: What...
[WILL'S PHONE CHIMES.]
WILL: [READING HIS PHONE'S SCREEN] Oh, cool, we got the place.
GRACE: What are you talking about?
WILL: I took over the lease of the office next to you. We just doubled our space.
GRACE: You signed a lease?
WILL: Yeah. Hey, want to go down to the cafeteria and sneak frozen yogurt out in pill cups?
GRACE: That's a little surprising to me.
WILL: That is? I've seen you eat an entire rotisserie chicken standing in the check-out line.
GRACE: No, that you signed a lease without talking to me.
WILL: Why? We agreed we needed more space, and I had to move fast.
[JACK RUNS PAST. WILL AND GRACE WATCH HIM RUN PAST IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.]
WILL: He'll figure it out.
[JACK RUNS IN, AND LEANS AGAINST THE NURSE STATION DESK.]
JACK: Oh, it's after 10:00. It's after 10:00. [PANTING, TO THE NURSE SITTING AT THE DESK] It's after 10:00. Can someone please give Rosario her jello? All she had to do was hold out until 10:00 for her jello! [SCREAMING] Please give Rosario her jello!
[THE NURSE GIVES JACK A CUP OF JELLO AND A SPOON.]
JACK: [PANTING] Oh, thank you. She said I could have her jello.
[JACK TAKES A BITE OF THE JELLO.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Why do I feel like you're not happy about this?
GRACE: Because I'm not. You really should have asked me before signing anything.
WILL: Asked you? I'm the business half—
GRACE: Will, we're in the hospital for Rosario. We are not doing this now. You really should have asked.
[KAREN ENTERS WITH BRIDGET THE MAID. SHE CARRIES A GIGANTIC PINK HELIUM BALLOON AND SEVERAL SMALLER BALLOONS.]
KAREN: Look what I got for Rosie.
JACK: [READING THE BALLOON] "It's a girl"?
KAREN: They were out of "It's a maid."
WILL: It's the thoughtlessness that counts.
BRIDGET: I do hope the poor dear is okay.
KAREN: Who asked you, Riverdance? Put these in water.
[BRIDGET TAKES THE BALLOON BOUQUET AND EXITS.]
GRACE: She's just a little worried.
KAREN: There's nothing to worry about.
JACK: [TO THE NURSE BEHIND THE DESK.] Interesting fact: Rosario and I were once husband and wife. I loved her as much as a gay man forced to marry a woman to get a green card could.
KAREN: You know what? I've already decided, when we get out of here, I'm gonna throw her a quinceañera. You know, she never had one.
WILL: Don't they do that at 15? Or are you counting in maid years?
KAREN: I think in her culture, they wait until after menopause, to mark the moment a woman becomes a man.
[A NURSE WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
NURSE JILL: Mrs. Walker, can I speak to you for a moment?
KAREN: No, I'm good.
NURSE JILL: I'm afraid I have some bad news.
GRACE: Oh, no.
NURSE JILL: There were some unexpected complications, and I'm very sorry to tell you that Rosario is gone.
[JACK AND GRACE GASP.]
KAREN: Gone? Where'd she go this time? Underground maids fight club that I don't know about?
GRACE: Karen, I don't think you understand what—
KAREN: I understand, Grace.
[KAREN TURNS AND WALKS OUT.]
[The chapel is decorated with flowers everywhere. There is a banner that says "Mis Quince Años". WILL and GRACE enter the chapel.]
GRACE: Wow, look at this.
WILL: It's a really lovely chapel.
GRACE: Maybe you could lease it and not tell me about it.
WILL: Okay, we need to talk.
GRACE: This is Rosario's funeral. It's so petty to bring it up. But you're wrong and I'm not.
WILL: Hey...
[GRACE IGNORES WILL AND WALKS OVER TO KAREN.]
GRACE: How are you doing? Do you need anything?
KAREN: Why does everyone keep asking me that? I have been on my own since I was nine months old. I breastfed myself. I need nothing.
GRACE: It's just something people say.
[KAREN SIGHS.]
WILL: I think it's great you still threw Rosie a quinceañera.
KAREN: Well, her mother was a monster. She never gave her one. [SCOFFS] Can you imagine anyone being that mean?
[WILL AND GRACE LOOK AT EACH OTHER.]
KAREN: [IN A DEEP, SCREAMING VOICE] Jack, what the hell are you doing?!
[JACK GASPS. HE IS STANDING NEXT TO A LARGE POSTER OF ROSARIO ON AN EASEL.]
KAREN: I said I wanted the photo of Rosie from the Christmas party.
JACK: Sorry, I thought this one screamed Ro-ho-ho!
[JACK TAKES DOWN THE POSTER. THERE IS ANOTHER POSTER BEHIND IT. IT IS THE EXACT SAME PICTURE OF ROSARIO, BUT THE BACKGROUND HAS FLOWERS IN IT.]
KAREN: What? No. That's Rosie at the Easter egg hunt.
[JACK TAKES DOWN THE POSTER. THE POSTER UNDERNEATH IS THE SAME PICTURE OF ROSARIO IN FRONT OF A BONFIRE.]
KAREN: That's Rosie at Burning Man!
[JACK TAKES DOWN THE POSTER. THE POSTER UNDERNEATH IS THE SAME PICTURE OF ROSARIO IN FRONT OF A CHRISTMAS TREE.]
KAREN: That's better. She loved that picture.
JACK: It makes a world of difference, doesn't it?
[JACK RUNS PAST KAREN, OVER TO WILL AND GRACE.]
JACK: She has been beating the crap out of me for two straight days. I don't know how to be around her. I'm more confused than Britney on stage in Vegas.
[JACK POSES, AND DARTS HIS HEAD AROUND CONFUSEDLY.]
JACK: So is this Karen sad? Well, I guess it makes sense. You know, grieving comes in stages. She was in anger and now she's probably moving on—
KAREN: [IN A DEEP, SCREAMING VOICE] Jack, where the hell are those books of magic spells?
JACK: Crap, I forgot to put out the Bibles.
[JACK RUNS OUT OF THE CHAPEL.]
[LORRAINE FINSTER ENTERS THE CHAPEL. SHE WEARS A SHORT, SPARKLING PURPLE DRESS AND A SMALL FLOWERED HAT.]
LORRAINE: Hello, Mother.
KAREN: Lorraine Finster. You have got to be out of your mind, showing your faces here.
[WILL AND GRACE LOOK SHOCKED AND FRIGHTENED. GRACE BACKS UP, FORCING WILL TO SIT IN ONE OF THE PEWS. SHE FALLS BACK ONTO HIS LAP. THEY LOOK BETWEEN KAREN AND LORRAINE.]
LORRAINE: Well, I heard as soon as I came. [TO WILL AND GRACE] Oh, I remember you two. Hello, Bill. Hello, Patty. [TO KAREN] I wouldn't dream of not being here. I mean, you married my father. I slept with your husband. That makes us family. So sorry for our loss.
KAREN: What do you want, Lorraine? You're not getting anywhere near Stanley, you're not stealing the jewelry off of Rosario, and we are not having a threeway again. Do you know how humiliating it was for me to have to finish myself off in front of your father?
[AT THAT REVELATION, GRACE SLIPS OFF OF WILL'S LAP AND NEARLY ENDS UP ON THE FLOOR.]
KAREN: So turn around and Brexit!
LORRAINE: Mothers and daughters, eh? Always that lingering tension. Listen, love, I know no one could ever replace Maria.
KAREN: Rosario.
LORRAINE: Yes, that's what I said. Oh, come on, how about a little hug for old time's sake?
KAREN: Sure, honey.
[KAREN HUGS LORRAINE. WHEN THEY PULL AWAY, LORRAINE IS WEARING KAREN'S NECKLACE AND EARRINGS.]
LORRAINE: [SIGHS] Well, I'll leave you to it.
[LORRAINE EXITS.]
KAREN: [SIGHS] Yeah, I knew she took 'em.
[KAREN PUTS HER ARM AROUND THE PRIEST.]
KAREN: But at the end of the day, aren't we all whores, just looking for a dirty pole to take our last ride on?
[LATER. WILL AND GRACE ARE AT THE CASKET, PAYING THEIR RESPECTS.]
GRACE: And, look, Rosie, I'm wearing the pin you gave me. [GRACE POINTS TO THE RED BROOCH ON HER BREAST.] I know Karen told you that I thought it looked like a blood clot... But honestly, the only reason why I haven't worn it is because I misplaced it... Oh, my God, I'm lying to a corpse.
[GRACE BEGINS SIGNING AN ELABORATE SIGN OF THE CROSS.]
WILL: You're making a pentagram.
GRACE: Why don't you do it right and not tell me about it?
WILL: Okay, look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have signed the lease without talking to you. You want me to get us out of it?
GRACE: No, it's good, but thank you for understanding how I'm feeling.
WILL: We're partners. You know, from now on, I'll run everything by you, you run everything by me.
GRACE: Well, I don't know if I need to run everything by you.
WILL: What does that mean?
GRACE: I mean, if we're being honest, you do work for me.
WILL: I work for you? I work with you.
GRACE: We can't talk about this here. With, for, what's the difference? But it's for.
WILL: It's with! And we're absolutely not talking about this here. And it's with.
GRACE: For.
WILL: With.
GRACE: For! [GASPS] My mint just flew into the coffin.
WILL: That's horrible.
GRACE: No, it's okay. I have a couple of loose ones in my purse.
[JACK ENTERS WITH A STACK OF BIBLES HIS HIS HANDS. HE FRANTICALLY TOSSES A BIBLE ONTO EACH PEW. HE GIVES THE LAST ONE TO WILL.]
JACK: [PANTING] Father Closet Case wants to start. I cannot sit next to Karen, okay? It has to go Will, Grace, Karen... No, wait, no, that's not... that's not right. It has to go... it has to go Grace, Karen, Jack, Will... No, wait, um... No, no, it has to go Will, Gra... Oh, my God, there's no mathematical way not to sit next to her!
[JACK GRABS HIS HAIR IN A PANIC.]
GRACE: Jack, Jack, I know it's hard, but we only have one job, and it's to make sure that Karen gets through this day. The only thing that matters is Karen.
JACK: Okay, you're right. It's all about Karen.
WILL: Just one problem.
GRACE: What's that?
WILL: Karen isn't here.
JACK: [LOOKING AT HIS CELL PHONE] According to Find a Friend, she's at the bar next door.
WILL: Nice detective work. You put the Nancy in Nancy Drew.
GRACE: I'll go talk to her. I know what she's going through.
WILL: Don't make it about you.
GRACE: I don't do that.
WILL: Yes, you do.
GRACE: I don't even know where you get that from.
WILL: You sat shiva for Jerry Lewis.
GRACE: He was very important to my family, Will. We named our dog Lady just so we could go, [AS JERRY LEWIS] "Lady!"
[KAREN sits at the bar with a martini. SMITTY the bartender wipes down the bar.]
KAREN: [SIGHS] Ahh, Smitty. Am I ever going to smile again?
SMITTY: Mrs. Walker, my hearing isn't what it used to be. I was robbed at gunpoint, and a bullet, it grazed my brain and I'm almost entirely deaf.
KAREN: [BURSTS OUT LAUGHING] Oh, Smitty! You always know just what to say.
[GRACE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO KAREN.]
GRACE: Just so you know, the service started. Karen, I get what you're going through. When my mother died, I was a wreck. On the day of her funeral, my sister had to dress me. I couldn't even do my own blowout. [VOICE CRACKING] And I really wanted pretty hair for my mom, you know? But I made it. And everyone said how brave I was. And how pretty I looked. And everyone said how proud they were of me. And I was proud of me, too. But it doesn't change how much it hurts. [CRYING] I was her favorite. Oh, my God, she must miss me so much!
[GRACE BEGINS SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY. SHE LAYS HER HEAD ON THE BAR.]
KAREN: Your sisters must really hate you.
GRACE: [SOBBING LOUDLY] I was the light of her life!
[The pews are all full with many servants. A row of nuns sit in the front row. The PRIEST stands next to the poster of Rosario as JACK stands behind the pulpit.]
JACK: And sometimes, after a night of gentle heterosexual lovemaking... Where I was on top.
[ONE OF THE NUNS LAUGHS. THE NUN NEXT TO HER NUDGES HER WITH A SHOULDER. JACK SHOOTS HER A WINK AND POINTS WITH HIS FINGER.]
JACK: Rosie and I would do other normal couple things. You know, like get into a fight at Ikea. Or shoot and skin a deer. Or argue about how much time I'd spend in my man cave... Which I always thought meant something else. Recently we had begun to talk about starting a family.
[WILL CLEARS HIS THROAT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.]
JACK: And now, I think it's time to hear from a very special woman in Rosie's life, someone who was much more than just her boss. Ladies...
WILL: [WHISPERING] She's not here. Stretch.
JACK: Okay...
[JACK BEGINS PERFORMING STRETCHING EXERCISES.]
[LATER. WILL AND JACK ARE IN THE VESTIBULE WAITING FOR GRACE.]
GRACE: Karen's not coming.
WILL: You made it about yourself?
GRACE: My mom just died, Will!
WILL: Jack, you're up.
JACK: No, no, I can't, I can't. I can't be around her when she's grieving. It scares me.
WILL: You just told a church full of Catholics that you and Rosie remained pure until you presented your flower to each other on your wedding night. You can do anything.
JACK: Okay, okay. I'll try, I'll try.
[JACK EXITS. LORRAINE STEPS FROM BEHIND THE FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS.]
LORRAINE: There's another way to do this. Lucy, Ricky... We steal her car, we buy an 8-ball, we head to Atlantic City, and whatever happens, happens. I think it's what the dead maid would have wanted.
GRACE: Oh, my God, we're wearing the same pin.
LORRAINE: You have good taste.
[LORRAINE HASTILY EXITS.]
[GRACE LOOKS DOWN AT HER BREAST. THE PIN IS GONE. SHE LOOKS AT WILL AND GASPS.]
[KAREN still sits at the bar with SMITTY. JACK enters.]
JACK: [SOFTLY] Hey, Kare...
[JACK PLACES A HAND ON KAREN'S SHOULDER.]
KAREN: Don't touch me.
JACK: Yes, so sorry. Um... [WHISPERING] We were wondering...
KAREN: The whispering is irritating.
JACK: Sure, yeah, sorry. [RAISING VOICE] I really think...
KAREN: Well, you don't have to scream at me. I'm in mourning.
JACK: I-I just want to help.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Really? You want to help?
JACK: I do. More than anything, Kare.
KAREN: Then sing something for me.
JACK: Oh, I don't know that this is the place...
KAREN: [IN A DEEP, SCREAMING VOICE] You sing!
JACK: [SINGING] ♫ Because I'm happy / Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof / Because I'm happy / Clap along if you feel like... ♫
KAREN: Now add some moves. Do The Electric Slide.
[JACK DOES THE ELECTRIC SLIDE WHILE SINGING.]
JACK: [SINGING] ♫ That's what you want to do / Because I'm happy / Clap along... ♫
KAREN: Do "Ease on Down the Road."
JACK: What?
KAREN: [IN A DEEP, SCREAMING VOICE] "Ease on Down the Road!"
[JACK DOES THE "EASE ON DOWN THE ROAD" CHOREOGRAPHY WHILE SINGING.]
JACK: [SINGING] ♫ Because I'm happy / Clap along if you feel like that's what you want to do ♫
KAREN: Do "Thriller."
[JACK DOES THE "THRILLER" CHOREOGRAPHY WHILE SINGING.]
JACK: [SINGING] ♫ Because I'm happy / Clap along if you feel like that's what you want to do / Because I'm happy / Clap along if you feel like.. ♫
[WILL and GRACE sit in the pews, listening to the PRIEST at the pulpit.]
PRIEST: Queridos, amigos...
WILL: [QUIETLY] So, if I work for you, do I have to run every contract by you?
GRACE: [QUIETLY] It is so inappropriate for us to...
WILL: We are way past inappropriate. You do not ask a priest to top you up on the blood of Christ.
GRACE: What took him so long? And why is there only one server?
WILL: He's not a server. He's the priest!
GRACE: Anyway, I'm used to my business being only me.
WILL: Yeah, I get it. It's yours. You might have mentioned that before I quit my job and changed my entire life for you.
[JACK ENTERS AND SITS DOWN IN THE PEW IN FRONT OF WILL AND GRACE.]
WILL: [TO JACK] How'd it go?
JACK: I've never been so humiliated without specifically asking for it.
[JACK BLOWS A KISS TO THE PRIEST AND WAVES.]
[KAREN sits alone at the bar when WILL enters. He gives SMITTY some money.]
WILL: Can I get a beer?
KAREN: [SIGHS] So now it's your turn? Take your best shot, Mary.
[SMITTY HANDS WILL A BOTTLE OF BEER.]
WILL: I got nothing to say. You know what you're doing.
KAREN: Damn straight.
WILL: You're handling this exactly the way you want to handle it.
KAREN: Like I always do. I don't need to parade myself up there and boo-hoo over my cleaning lady. And I don't need to be told I should be there, I'm gonna regret it. And I certainly don't need people coming up in here...
[WILL COMES UP BEHIND KAREN AND PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND HER.]
KAREN: What... But... You... [SCOFFS] Of all the times to come onto me. You pervert. [SIGHS]
[WILL MOVES TO PULL AWAY, BUT KAREN GRABS HIS ARM TO KEEP HIM FROM LEAVING.]
WILL: I'm so sorry. Funeral's over. Everybody's gone. If you want to see her one more time, she's still there. And it's okay if you can't.
[KAREN PATS WILL'S ARM. HE LETS GO, THEN EXITS.]
KAREN: [SIGHS] What do you think, Smitty?
SMITTY: I'm sorry, um... What?
[SMITTY LEANS IN AND CUPS HIS HAND OVER HIS EAR.]
KAREN: [LAUGHS] You never turn it off, do ya, Smitts?
[KAREN REACHES OVER AND PATS SMITTY'S HAND.]
[The chapel is empty. KAREN walks up to the casket.]
KAREN: Hi, honey. You got candy in your hair. Sorry I wasn't here, but... come on, what the hell was I gonna say? She was my maid? She was my sparring partner? She was my best friend? You were my everything, Rosario Yolanda Salazar.
KAREN: You know, it's funny. People keep asking, "What do you need? What do you need?" I need for you to not be gone. Here, honey. I want you to have something.
[KAREN PULLS A RING OFF HER FINGER.]
KAREN: It was my mother's. Makes sense you should have it. Lord knows you've been eyeing it for years.
[KAREN PUTS THE RING INTO THE CASKET.]
KAREN: Honey, I'm not going with you to the cemetery, so don't get mad, okay? I just can't watch 'em put you in the ground. I have to remember you my way. So if it's all right... I'm just gonna sit here with you for a while.
[KAREN NOTICES A SPOT ON THE CASKET AND RUBS IT. WITH A SIGH, SHE REACHES INTO THE CASKET AND PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF CLEANER. SHE SPRAYS THE SPOT, THEN WIPES IT DOWN WITH THE TULLE LINING.]
KAREN: [SOFTLY] Te amo, Mami.
[WILL, GRACE, AND JACK WATCH FROM THE DOORWAY.]
JACK: That's Karen sad.
[WILL, GRACE, AND JACK MOVE CLOSER TO COMFORT EACH OTHER.]