Episode #5.11
Original Airdate 12/12/2002
Written by Adam Barr
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Harry Connick Jr. (Dr. Leo Markus)
Steve Paymer (Steve)
Mary McDonough (Mom)
John Grantham (Maintenance Guy)
Larry Michelson (Bellman)
Bette Rae (Maid)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is finishing decorating his Christmas tree.)
WILL: Beautiful. Now you do me.
[JACK AND KAREN ENTER.]
JACK: Hey, Prancer.
WILL: [TO JACK] Hey, Vixen. [TO KAREN] Hey, Blitzed.
KAREN: [WAVING] Hi.
JACK: Oh, good, just in time. Can I put the star on? I wanna put the star on, can I put the star on? 'Cause I got a really good one this year.
[JACK PUTS A BIG, TACKY STAR ON TOP OF THE TREE. THE STAR HAS HIS PICTURE IN THE MIDDLE.]
JACK: Now the other ornaments have something to aspire to.
WILL: Yes, look at it there. Shining like a beacon of unemployment.
KAREN: So, Wilma, now that you've gotten rid of the old ball and chain, got any Christmas Eve plans?
WILL: Oh, yeah. I'm gonna spend the whole evening by myself. Yeah. I'm gonna string cranberries around the tree, get in my jammies, and watch every version of A Christmas Carol ever made.
KAREN: Mm-hmm. And which one do you think you'll be watching when you kick the chair out from under you?
WILL: Hey, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I... am lonely.
KAREN: Honey, why don't you join Jackie and me in my suite at The Palace Hotel, huh? It's gonna be a real old fashioned Christmas. The stockings will be hung by the chimney with care. And I'll be stinking drunk.
JACK: And then at midnight, we're going to crawl into bed and wait for the sound of hooves on the rooftop.
KAREN: No, honey, Rosie's not invited. [TO WILL] So what do you say?
WILL: And pass up my annual screening of Ebbie, starring Susan Lucci as the definitive female Scrooge? Yeah, I'll be there at 6:00. Maybe we should invite Grace and Leo.
KAREN: Oh, I already invited them.
WILL: What?! Before me?
KAREN: No! Come on, crazy! After I invited you!
JACK: Geez...
KAREN: Gosh...
[GRACE AND LEO ENTER. GRACE IS CARRYING A GIFT--A BIG, FLAT BOX.]
GRACE: Hey hey!
WILL: Hey!
GRACE: Merry Christmas!
WILL: Come on in!
KAREN: Grace and Leon!
GRACE: Yeah.
JACK: Hey, feliz navi-dude.
LEO: Hey. We just came by to try some of your famous Christmas cookies. Grace has been talking about 'em all week.
WILL: Oh, I don't bake those till tomorrow.
LEO: See ya.
GRACE: Wait. Will, we brought you something for your tree.
WILL: What? I thought you were against the whole tree thing 'cause you're Jewish.
GRACE: Well, it's your place now. I'm not gonna impose my beliefs on you.
[WILL OPENS THE PACKAGE. IT'S A LARGE STAR OF DAVID.]
WILL: Oh. A star of David.
JACK: What? Who is this David? He's completely stolen my idea.
GRACE: We got it as a wedding gift. Next Christmas you're getting a Seder plate.
LEO: Um, Karen, you know, I know we told you a couple of weeks ago we were going to your thing at The Palace, but--
WILL: A couple of weeks ago!
KAREN: After you.
LEO: But we're not gonna be able to make it 'cause we got tickets The Nutcracker.
WILL: I am so jealous! How did you get tickets for Christmas Eve? I've been calling every day since June. That information does not leave this room.
LEO: You know, it's kind of ironic, actually. I treated a guy who took a puck to the groin during a pick-up hockey game, and he gave me two tickets to The Nutcracker.
GRACE: Yeah, it'd be even more ironic if the ballet were called "Crap, Now I Can't Have Kids."
SCENE II: Karen's Suite at the Palace Hotel
(KAREN, JACK, and WILL are wearing white bath robes, standing in front of the windows.)
JACK: Okay, you guys, are you ready? On the count of three. One--
WILL: I don't know about this.
KAREN: Two...
WILL: Really, guys.
JACK AND KAREN: Three!
[ALL THREE TURN TO THE WINDOW AND OPEN THEIR ROBES.]
KAREN/JACK/WILL: Merry Christmas, New York!
[THEY CLOSE UP THEIR ROBES.]
WILL: That was fun! I'm glad I put a bow on, it was a more festive message.
JACK: Hey, we got a nibble. Some loser across the way spending Christmas in his bathrobe's checking us out. [JACK WAVES OUT THE WINDOW] Hey, look! He's hot and he's waving.
KAREN: Come on, let's put up our stockings before Santy gets here.
[KAREN AND JACK PULL OUT PLAIN RED AND WHITE STOCKINGS. WILL PULLS OUT AN ELABORATELY DECORATED STOCKING WITH SLEIGH BELLS AND A NEEDLEPOINT SANTA CLAUSE ON IT.]
WILL: What? I made it myself. My home ec teacher said I was a needlepoint prodigy. In fact, I was the only guy to have a piece in the statewide needlepoint competition. Well, the only guy who's still a guy.
[THE DOORBELL CHIMES.]
JACK: [GASPS] He's here. Santa's here!
[KAREN OPENS THE DOOR; IT'S GRACE.]
KAREN: Hey, you're not Santa Claus. Close, though. You got a couple of white hairs sproutin' outta your chin, and you look like you just came down the chimney.
GRACE: We'd make a good team. Your nose is so red you could guide my sleigh tonight.
KAREN: Merry Christmas, honey.
GRACE: You too, babe.
[GRACE AND KAREN HUG.]
JACK: Hi, G! Hey, Kare, come help me stretch out my stocking. I don't want Santa to think I have small feet. Heh heh...
[WILL WALKS UP TO GRACE. THE TWO TALK QUEITLY.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] What's going on? I thought you'd be on your way to The Nutcracker.
GRACE: [SIGHS] Leo got beeped. All the Jewish doctors have to be on call for Christmas. In other words, all the doctors have to be on call for Christmas. So... How would you like to come with me to The Nutcracker? [GRACE HOLDS UP THE TICKETS.]
WILL: I can't. I've got plans with Jack and Karen.
GRACE: Ditch 'em. Come on.
WILL: I-I'm having fun. I'm wearing a bow under here.
[GRACE PEEKS DOWN WILL'S ROBE AND GASPS AND GIGGLES.]
GRACE: Come on, come on, it's The Nutcracker. You have loved this story ever since you were a little kid.
WILL: I know. I used to go to sleep in my suit the night before. I'd get up the next morning and spend two hours getting my hair just right. How nobody knew--
GRACE: Okay, tick-tock.
WILL: No, I can't. I'm having fun. I respect them too much to do that to them.
[WILL AND GRACE LOOK OVER TO JACK AND KAREN. THEY ARE ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES LOOKING UP THE FIREPLACE.]
JACK: Oh, look, I think he's coming!
KAREN: I see Santa's crack!
WILL: [TO GRACE] I'll get changed.
SCENE III: West 44th Street, Outside The Majestic Theater
(GRACE and WILL exit a taxi cab.)
GRACE: Oh, that was intense! What was that smell?
WILL: That was not just B.O. That was B-O-My-God!
GRACE: What was the scent that air freshener? Onion and feet?
[WILL'S FRIEND STEVE, WHO ALSO LIVES IN THEIR BUILDING, WALKS UP.]
STEVE: Hey, Will. Hey, Grace.
WILL: Hey, Steve. What are you doing?
STEVE: Going to see the ballet. I have a date.
WILL: Ooh, good for you.
STEVE: It's my mom.
GRACE: Oh.... Well, that can still be fun.
STEVE: I don't think she's gonna show.
[STEVE WALKS INTO THE THEATER.]
GRACE: Between you and me... I love my husband, but I'm glad he's not here. I wouldn't want to spend tonight any other way.
[GRACE LEANS IN TO HUG WILL, BUT IS INTERRUPTED WHEN LEO CALLS OUT.]
LEO: Grace!
GRACE: Leo! Hi. What happened?
LEO: It turns out they just beeped me 'cause they wanted to know if they could eat the sesame noodles I left in the fridge. I threw a big fit last time 'cause somebody ate my lemon Yoplait. Had my name on it and everything. Let's go to the show.
GRACE: Yay! [REALIZING] Oh. [TO WILL] So this is weird. Leo just showing up, and us having only two tickets.
WILL: I suppose you want me to--
GRACE: Would you mind?
WILL: No. It's Christmas. Consider it my gift to you. Although you will have to give back the other gift I gave you. [GRACE LAUGHS]
WILL: I'm serious. Get in there. Have fun.
LEO: Thanks, Will.
GRACE: You're a prince. The next holiday is yours. New Year's-- Well, no. Valen-- [BEAT] Ok. I have three words for you: you, me, Purim.
SCENE IV: Karen's Suite at the Palace Hotel
(The food has arrived. KAREN and JACK are getting ready to eat.)
KAREN: Oh, Jackie, look at all this food. We are so blessed.
JACK: I know. There are poor people who dream their whole lives of a meal like this.
KAREN: [GASPS] Honey, I know what we should do. Let's take a picture of us eating and show it to them.
JACK: Wow, Karen, you are like a female Jesus.
[KAREN PICKS UP A TURKEY LEG AND JACK PICKS UP A SPOON AND THEY LEAN IN WHILE JACK HOLDS OUT A CAMERA AND TAKES THEIR PICTURE.]
[WILL WALKS IN.]
WILL: Oh, great, the food's here. I'm gonna clean up, get in my robe. Tie my boys in a bow, and I'll be ready.
KAREN: Ho, ho, ho! What the hell are you doing here?
WILL: What are you talking about? I've been here the whole time.
[KAREN AND JACK THINK A MINUTE...]
WILL: I thought I could have fooled one of you with that. Leo showed up. Is that eggnog?
[JACK SLAPS HIS HAND AWAY FROM THE TABLE.]
JACK: Hey, hey, Rudeness Giuliani! You can't just use us, toss us aside, and then waltz back in here and expect us to forgive everything. We are not sleeping together.
KAREN: Yeah, take off, Mary. There's no room at the inn.
WILL: All right, look, I shouldn't have left. I really was having a good time. And I want to be here now. Please?
JACK: [FAKE WHISPERING IN KAREN'S EAR] Wsp-wsp-wsp-wsp...
KAREN: [NODDING] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah.
JACK: Okay, we will consider letting you back in, but you're gonna have to work for it.
WILL: What do I have to do?
KAREN: Pleasure us! Fast and nasty.
[JACK SNAPS HIS FINGERS.]
KAREN: And extra points if you can find a way to work in that shoeshine mitt.
WILL: There isn't a mitt big enough.
JACK: [FAKE WHISPERING IN KAREN'S EAR] Wsp-wsp-wsp-wsp...
KAREN: [NODDING] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah.
JACK: Okay, option B. You must recite 'Twas the Night Before Christmas to us.
WILL: Well, I can do that.
JACK: But you must substitute every fifth word with the word "heinie."
KAREN: And give a little kick like a Rockette.
WILL: [SIGHS] 'Twas the night before heinie [KICKS HIS LEG UP]
[JACK AND KAREN CLAP]
WILL: And all through the heinie [KICKS]
WILL: Not a creature was...heinie [KICKS]
WILL: Not even a mouse. Heinie. [KICKS JACK IN THE BUTT.]
JACK: Ow!
SCENE V: The Majestic Theater Lobby
(GRACE and LEO are at the bar, getting two mugs of hot buttered rum.)
GRACE: I love that we got hot buttered rum. It's so Christmassy.
LEO: Yeah. It's the perfect little $80 treat before seeing The Nutcracker. Cheers.
[GRACE AND LEO TAKE A DRINK. THEY BOTH WINCE.]
LEO: What the hell is this crap?
GRACE: I know-- It tastes like warm rum with butter in it. Ugh.
[THEY SET THE MUGS ON THE COUNTER.]
GRACE: I'm so glad we came early so we could soak up the Christmas feeling. I just love looking at the little kids all dressed up, sharing a special night with their family.
[A MOM DRAGS HER THREE KIDS TO THE BAR.]
MOM: Peter, I swear to God. You poke her one more time, and the next book you'll be reading is Harry Potter and the Forty-Five Minute Spanking. [TO THE BARTENDER] Can I have a hot buttered rum?
GRACE: [TO THE MOM] I should warn you, they're awful.
MOM: I don't care.
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO LEO] Hopefully, Santa can swing by Child Services.
[LEO'S PAGER BEEPS. HE LOOKS DOWN AT IT.]
LEO: Oh. Aw, damn it. Sweetie, I got some bad news.
GRACE: Someone's trying to break into your pants? Heh heh...
LEO: No, no. It's Mrs. Schuler. And I gotta go because she's having kidney failure.
GRACE: Christmas Eve? Doesn't she have two kidneys?
LEO: One of them's given up, and the other one's living with her sister in Florida. You gonna be okay?
GRACE: Yeah. I'll meet you home later.
LEO: Okay. I'll bring you something from the hospital. You like gauze?
[LEO KISSES GRACE.]
LEO: Bye.
[LEO EXITS THE THEATER. STEVE WALKS UP TO GRACE.]
STEVE: Hey, Grace. You alone?
GRACE: Oh, um... I think I am. Did your mom ever show?
STEVE: Yeah. Too bad, otherwise you and I coulda hooked up.
GRACE: You do know I'm married?
STEVE: So was my ex-wife, but it didn't stop her.
SCENE VI: Karen's Suite at the Palace Hotel
(KAREN, JACK, and WILL have finished eating and are relaxing on the sofas.)
KAREN: Oh, I am full. I cannot drink another bite.
JACK: I think I ate too much, too. I'm gonna have to undo the bellhop's pants.
KAREN: Now don't poop out on me, we still have to go caroling.
WILL: You gotta be kidding. I'm stuffed. If I open my mouth to sing, half a bird would fly out.
[THE DOORBELL CHIMES.]
KAREN: Honey, this is The Palace. We don't have to go out to carol. [YELLING TO THE DOOR] Come in!
[A BELLMAN ENTERS, CARRYING A BUCKET OF ICE.]
BELLMAN: Here's the ice you asked for.
KAREN: Oh, yes, just put it right over here, bellman.
[KAREN BLOWS A PITCH PIPE AND BEGINS SINGING.]
KAREN: [SINGING] Good king Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen--
KAREN AND JACK: [SINGING] When the snow lay roundabout, deep and crisp and even.
KAREN: Just the boys!
JACK AND WILL: [SINGING] Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel.
KAREN, JACK, WILL: [SINGING] When a poor man came inside, Gathering winter fuel...
[KAREN GIVES THE BELLMAN A TIP.]
KAREN: Thank you, bellman. That'll be all.
BELLMAN: Tha-thank you.
[THE BELLMAN EXITS.]
KAREN: Oh, isn't that fun?
[THE DOORBELL CHIMES.]
KAREN: 'S open!
[A MAINTENANCE MAN ENTERS, CARRYING A TOOLBOX.]
MAINTENANCE MAN: Problem with the heater?
KAREN: Oh, yes, electrician. The dial's on 74, but we'd like it on 73. [TO WILL AND JACK] Huh, yeah?
KAREN: Just... hear... those...
KAREN, JACK, WILL: [SINGING] Sleigh bells jingling, ding-ding-dingling too.
KAREN, JACK, WILL: [SINGING] Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.
KAREN: Ah, ha ha ha!
KAREN, JACK, WILL: [SINGING] Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling yoo-hoo!
MAINTENANCE MAN: All done!
KAREN: Thanks, honey.
[KAREN GIVES THE GUY A TIP AS HE EXITS.]
KAREN: How 'bout that? Mmm.
WILL: You know, this is a lot like the first Christmas. Except we did get a room, none of us are virgins, and instead of the baby Jesus, we have a plate of cheeses.
[WILL'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
WILL: [ANSWERING HIS PHONE] Hello?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Hey. Hey, listen, Leo got beeped again. So great news, you get to be my date again.
[THE DOORBELL RINGS.]
MAID: [THROUGH THE DOOR] Turndown service.
WILL: [TO GRACE] Hold on a second. [TO KAREN] I'll get it.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. TWO MAIDS ENTER.]
KAREN AND JACK: [SINGING] Come, they told me--
WILL: [SINGING] pa rum pa pum pum...
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] So, can you be here in, like, ten minutes? 'Cause they're blinking the lights.
[KAREN AND JACK STILL SINGING IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE WILL AND GRACE TALK.]
WILL: No, you can't keep doing this to me. [SINGING, JOINING IN] Pa rum pa pum pum...
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] But you love The Nutcracker. You've loved it since you were a kid. You've been calling for tickets since June.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hey, hey, hey! I said that was not to leave the room! We're on an unsecured cell phone here.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Oh, it's The Nutcracker, Will. Remember your childhood? The beautiful music, the magical story, the funny feeling you got in your pants every time the tin soldiers lifted each other?
WILL: [INTO PHONE] I do love a toy in uniform. But, no, I can't, no. It's snowing again. I'll never get a cab.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Then run, Will. Run through the snow. Run to The Nutcracker. Run to that stirring in your pants!
WILL: [INTO PHONE] I'll be there as fast as I can.
[WILL HANGS UP.]
WILL: Uh, guys, listen.
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Oh, What? You're ditching us again?
WILL: I'm sorry.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Okay, this one's gonna cost you, Wilma. Jackie.
JACK: In order for us to forgive you, you'll perform the following task-- You must sing the "Twelve Days of Christmas."
WILL: I can do that.
JACK: As the Count, from "Sesame Street."
WILL: [ROMANIAN ACCENT, IMITATING THE COUNT] On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me-- That's one, one day! Ah ha ha!
[JACK AND KAREN LAUGH AND CLAP.]
SCENE VII: The Majestic Theater Lobby
(GRACE is pacing the lobby when WILL runs in.)
GRACE: Oh, Will, you made it. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
WILL: Better thank me. It's freezing out there. I ran past the Zoo, and two polar bears were fighting over a pashmina.
GRACE: God, I love you for doing this. And tonight is all about you and me.
[GRACE TAKES WILL'S HAND AND LEADS HIM TO THE AUDITORIUM DOORS.]
[LEO RUSHES IN.]
LEO: Grace!
GRACE: Leo!
[GRACE TURNS AROUND AND WILL SLAMS INTO THE DOOR.]
WILL: Oh, come on!
GRACE: [TO LEO] What are you doing here?
LEO: I got another doctor to cover for me. You have to make out with his wife at the New Year's party and let him videotape it, but I made it. [TO WILL] Will, what are you doing here?
WILL: [HOLDING UP HIS TICKET] I'm going to The Nutcracker. What are you doing here?
LEO: I am avoiding an awkward situation by going to go pee pee.
[LEO EXITS TO THE RESTROOM.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Well, here it comes. Go ahead, blow me off. You know you're gonna do it.
GRACE: Will--
WILL: I can't believe you're blowing me off! I changed my plans for you, not one time, but two times tonight. [IMITATING THE COUNT] One, two, two times. Ah ha ha! [TO HIMSELF] Damn! It's gonna be stuck in my head till New Year's. [TO GRACE] How could you?
GRACE: [SIGHS] I don't know what else to do.
WILL: Is this how it's gonna be from now on? When he can't make it to something, I'm expected to show up. The moment he's back, I'm out?
GRACE: Will, when you say it like that, you make it sound like... You understand exactly what's happening. I'm sorry, but he's my husband.
WILL: Look, I knew things were gonna change when you got married, okay? I just never realized that--that-- that things were gonna change when you got married. [SIGHS]
WILL: Enjoy the show. [WILL GIVES GRACE THE TICKET.]
LEO: Hey, you guys work it out? 'Cause, you know, I could go read the playbill and count the male dancers who thank their partner, "Ted."
[THE ORCHESTRA IS WARMING UP.]
GRACE: [TO LEO] You know what, sweetie? I'm sorry, but I've already made plans with Will.
LEO: Oh...
GRACE: I didn't know that you were coming back. I sort of pulled him out of his Christmas plans, so I--
LEO: Hey, it's okay. I understand.
[THE NUTCRACKER "OVERTURE" BEGINS PLAYING.]
LEO: Hey, you better hurry up, it's starting. You don't want to miss the almonds and pecans battling for the City of Macadamia. Ha ha, I have no idea what this show's about.
GRACE: Thanks, hon. [TO WILL] Okay, come on.
[GRACE GRABS WILL AND THEY RUN INTO THE AUDITORIUM.]
LEO: Have fun.
[LEO WALKS UP TO THE BARTENDER.]
LEO: Hi. Just out of curiosity, how come your hot buttered rums are so bad?
[SHE SHOOTS HIM A DIRTY LOOK.]
LEO: Just forget it. I'll take another one.
[LEO TAKES ANOTHER HOT BUTTERED RUM AND TAKES A DRINK.]
LEO: [GROANS AND COUGHS] Oof!
[WILL EXITS THE AUDITORIUM.]
WILL: Leo. This isn't right. You should be in there with your wife. Go on in.
LEO: You made a sacrifice to be here, you go.
WILL: You go.
LEO: No, you.
WILL: Leo, look. I'm just gonna have to accept that things are different now that you and Grace are married. I can deal with it now or I can deal with it later. I might as well deal with it now.
LEO: Yeah. [BEAT] You don't wanna see it, do you?
WILL: Please don't make me. I mean, I'm in there five seconds, and the toys start to come to life.
LEO: Man, the toys come to life?
WILL: I know. It was great when I was a kid, but as an adult you think, "That couldn't happen!" Please, go in there.
LEO: No, I ain't watching no dancing toys. You go.
WILL: Well, we can't just leave Grace alone. Somebody's gotta sit with her.
[STEVE EXITS THE AUDITORIUM.]
STEVE: Hey, guys. My mom got a better offer. Looks like I'm flying solo.
[LATER. GRACE IS SITTING IN THE AUDITORIUM ENGROSSED IN THE BALLET. "DANCE OF THE SUGARPLUM FAIRY" IS PLAYING. AN ARM SLIDES AROUND HER AND SHE CUDDLES IN AND LOOKS UP. IT'S STEVE -- AND SHE BACKS AWAY.]
SCENE VIII: Karen's Suite at the Palace Hotel
(KAREN, JACK, WILL, GRACE, and LEO are dressed in white bath robes. A maid is trying to vacuum while they
follow her singing "Let It Snow".)
ALL: [SINGING] Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, and since we've no place to go
ALL: [SINGING] Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
ALL: [SINGING] Oh, it doesn't show signs of stopping, and I've got some corn for popping
ALL: [SINGING] The lights are down way down low
ALL: [SINGING] Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow