Episode #3.22
Original Airdate 5/17/2001
Written by David Kohan & Max Mutchnick
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Woody Harrelson (Nathan)
Michael Angarano (Elliot)
Claire Malis Callaway (Jo Black)
Helen Eigenberg (Vicky)
Michael Philip (Chris, The Imaginary Boyfriend)
David Correia (Sky Cap)
John David Conti (Man)
Marcia Ann Burrs (Woman)
SCENE I: A Corner Coffee Shop
(WILL, GRACE, AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE. JACK IS IN A NEARBY CHAIR, WRITING A LETTER)
KAREN: [TO JACK] How's the letter to your daddy coming, poodle?
JACK: Just got to give it a little kiss [KISSES LETTER]...a little spritz [SPRAYS PERFUME ON LETTER]...a little kiss [KISSES HIS WRIST]...a little spritz [SPRAYS PERFUME ON HIMSELF].
WILL: Yes, nothing says "be my sugar daddy and make it hurt" like the gentle scent of Jean Nate.
KAREN: Not that daddy, Wilma...his real daddy. You know, we've narrowed down the identity of Jack's father. It's either one of the eleven Black brothers of New Canaan, Connecticut, or Paul Lynde, the center square.
JACK: [STANDS AND WALKS TO THE TABLE] So I'm writing to each one of the brothers, and here's what I have so far... [CLEARS THROAT] "Dear Mr. Black, my name is Jack McFarland, M.D." Please hold all comments till the end! [READING] "If you were at a costume party in 1968 wearing a Nixon mask and had sexual relations with a woman who was dressed as the back part of a horse, you're my father! Please understand that I am not asking for money."
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: Yeah.
KAREN: Yeah.
JACK: I know, right? "My phone number is--" blah blah. "You can call me between the hours of--" blah and blah. "Sincerely--" blah, blah, blah. "Oh, P.S.--" blah. So what do you think?
GRACE: I'd replace the first blah with the second blah, and I think the letter's ready to go.
JACK: Ok, ok. I see your point. Ok, well, I'm gonna go put the mail in the slot, and then I'm off to the post office.
[JACK EXITS THE CAFE.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] I'm rethinking my scuba outfit for the trip. 'Cause Joe and Larry are gonna be all in basic black, and I've got red flippers and a yellow snorkel. Even the clownfish are gonna be like, "Mmm, too busy."
GRACE: Sweetie, Don't worry about how you look. You're there to have fun. Although I was looking through your bag, and I would rethink the smiley-face boxers.
WILL: Yeah, but the middle of the smile--
GRACE: No.
WILL: You know, where the tongue--
GRACE: I got it. No.
[A MAN ENTERS THE CAFE.]
WILL: Oh, my god. There he is. Don't look around like a crazy person.
GRACE: [FRANTICALLY LOOKING AROUND] Who? where? Who? where? there?
WILL: Was it the simplicity of the instructions that confused you? Over at the counter. My, um-- What do I call him? Is he my boyfriend? My significant other?
GRACE: How about the man you're afraid to talk to?
WILL: That works, too.
GRACE: Now, tell me again how you two didn't end up as a couple?
WILL: Well... we never met at the gym, and one thing didn't lead to another.
GRACE: Classic boy-doesn't-meet-boy story.
KAREN: Oh, Lord, what have I done to deserve this? [LOOKS UP] Oh, right. Well, you got me there! I forgot.
[KAREN NOTICES THAT NATHAN IS OUTSIDE THE CAFE.]
KAREN: [TO GRACE] Oh, look, honey. It's your non-imaginary boyfriend. What's his name-- Jethro? Billy Bob?
GRACE: He's not my boyfriend. I don't have a boyfriend.
WILL: She dumped that loser.
KAREN: No, she didn't.
GRACE: Yes, I did.
WILL: She did.
KAREN: No, she didn't.
GRACE: I said I did. [GRACE KICKS UNDER THE TABLE.]
WILL: Ow!
GRACE: Sorry, that wasn't meant for you.
[NATHAN ENTERS.]
NATHAN: [TO GRACE] Oh, hey, baby. I didn't know you were here. [NATHAN KISSES ALL OVER GRACE]
GRACE: Hi.
NATHAN: [TO WILL] Oh, hi, Willard. I like your leotard. [TO GRACE] Listen, I'm gonna grab a juice. I'll be back to smooch on you in a second.
[NATHAN GOES TO THE COUNTER TO GET A DRINK.]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and WILL are arguing about Nathan.)
WILL: So the whole time you've been dating this guy, sneaking around behind my back?! God! I feel like Captain Von Trapp and you're Liesl making out with that Nazi in the gazebo.
GRACE: We're not dating. My God, you overstate everything.
WILL: How many times have you seen him?
GRACE: I don't know. A couple of times. Two...12...
WILL: Oh! Oh, so that's why when you disappear every night for five hours, you bring me back a little present. You're just trying to create a diversion so I wouldn't ask you any questions.
GRACE: Hey, what are you complaining about? You got some lovely things. How many compliments have you gotten on that leotard?
WILL: It's not a leotard! It's a fitted-T.
GRACE: What-ev.
WILL: Look, it's your life. I just don't get the appeal of a guy whose greatest achievement is having the biggest aluminum foil ball in the building.
GRACE: Hey, we get five channels that no one else gets in all of New York. Come on. Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've kept this from you. But what can I say? I like him. A lot.
WILL: You know, do what you want. I just-- Keep him away from me.
GRACE: Fine. I just-- God, I just wish that you didn't have this thing with him. Can't you at least be my friend and say you're happy for me?
WILL: I'd like to. But you know, if he's in your life, he's in my life, and I can't--
GRACE: Not even for some cashmere toe socks?
WILL: I've been dying for these!
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is talking to Rosario on the phone.)
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Ok. Rosario, let me get this straight. You want to take some time off to spend with your family? Uh-huh. Ok. Yeah, good idea. Let me get on the horn right now to Air Fat Chance. Yeah, they probably got a buzzard taking off out of LaGuardia any minute now.
[KAREN STARTS TO HANG UP THE PHONE, BUT STOPS.]
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] What was that? That better not mean the same thing in Spanish that it does in English.
[KAREN HANGS UP THE PHONE AS JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: Karen! guess what? I found him! I found my daddy! He wrote back!
KAREN: Oh, peanut, that's fantastic. What'd he say?
JACK: Well, he says his name is Joe, and there's way too much to explain in the letter, and that he wants to meet me in person.
KAREN: Oh, honey, I am so happy for you. I am gonna throw you a fabulous dinner party so that you can meet your daddy in style.
JACK: You'd do that for me? You'd open your home to me and my family?
KAREN: Well, when you put it that way... no. We'll do it at Will and Grace's. Hey, it'll give 'em a chance to break out the good plastic.
JACK: Yay!
SCENE IV: Nathan's Apartment, Nathan's Bedroom
(GRACE and NATHAN are cuddling in bed.)
GRACE: [SIGHS] Oh, that was really nice. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. You know, I'm gonna write you a little letter of recommendation 'cause that should be on your résumé.
NATHAN: Let me ask you. How would you rate me?
GRACE: What do you mean?
NATHAN: On a scale from one to ten. And remember, the rule is on the first time it's polite to round up.
GRACE: I'm not gonna rate you.
NATHAN: I don't like it, either, but that's the world we live in.
GRACE: Ha ha ha! Oh... All right. Eight.
NATHAN: Oh. You were a seven.
GRACE: What?!
NATHAN: That's good. I've never been with anyone above a four.
GRACE: You're a pig. Now, let's see if I can bring that score up to 7.2.
[GRACE STRADDLES NATHAN AND KISSES HIM.]
VICKY: [ENTERING] I'm not here, I'm not here. I'm just looking for the phone.
GRACE: Hi.
NATHAN: Hi. I'm Vicky, the ex.
GRACE: I'm Grace. The nude.
NATHAN: Uh, Vick, can you give us an hour? Come back later?
VICKY: An hour? Who are you kidding? I'll be back in five minutes.
NATHAN: I'm gonna get you for that! Ha ha ha!
[VICKY FINDS THE PHONE AND LEAVES THE ROOM.]
NATHAN: Ha, where were we?
GRACE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Why is your ex-girlfriend still in your apartment?
NATHAN: Well, what was I supposed to do, Grace, throw her out? Put her on the street? I can't do that... Legally, I mean, this is her place. Actually, these are-- these are her sheets. Don't worry. she's cool. Uh, you're secure enough to handle me livin' with my ex-girlfriend, right?
[CUT TO WILL'S APARTMENT. WILL IS READING A BOOK IN THE NUDE WHEN GRACE AND NATHAN ENTER.]
GRACE: Hey, Will. Nathan's gonna be living here for a while.
NATHAN: Careful. that's a nasty paper cut waitin' to happen.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are sitting at the table while NATHAN cooks omelets in the kitchen.)
[NATHAN FLIPS AN OMELET AND IT DROPS ON THE FLOOR.]
NATHAN: Whoa-Whoa! Three second rule... still good.
[NATHAN SCOOPS UP THE OMELET AND FLIPS IT INTO THE AIR. IT MISSES THE PAN AND SMACKS ON THE FLOOR AGAIN.]
WILL: I'm not happy right now. See this face? It's not a happy face.
GRACE: What was I supposed to do, let him stay up there with her? It's creepy having a third person around.
WILL: You don't say. Oh, he's using my new Chantal sauté pan with a metal-edge spatula. There is no way a crèpe is ever gonna slide off that now.
GRACE: Wow. You are more gay before nine A.M. than most people are all day.
NATHAN: All right, hope you guys like my phony bologna free-range omelets.
WILL: Ah, yes. It's only bean curd, but it's got the look of pig.
NATHAN: I thought you gay guys liked the bologna.
WILL: I think you're confusing the bologna with the same rights and privileges afforded to married couples.
GRACE: Mmm, mine's yummy.
WILL: You'd eat your own foot if it had parmesan cheese on it.
NATHAN: Come on, try it. How do you know you don't like it if you don't try it?
WILL: Because fake bologna doesn't magically become better when you mix it with Egg Beaters, two sticks of butter, and metal shavings from my new pan.
NATHAN: Will, lighten up. It's breakfast, not a pelvic exam.
WILL: Well, forgive me if I don't leap to take advice from someone whose family portrait includes two bloodhounds and a pickup truck.
GRACE: Is--is it just me, or are the--the--the squirrels in the park sneakier?
NATHAN: Well, I get it. Because I'm from the South, I must be stupid, and because you're gay, you must be clever. Just goes to show you how wrong those stereotypes can be.
WILL: Boy, if this day gets any better, by noon I should be rolling in glass.
[WILL LEAVES.]
GRACE: Nathan.
NATHAN: I might have been a little harsh on him. He does have a flair for "repartee."
GRACE: This has gotta stop. You've got to get along with Will.
NATHAN: I'm just bein' myself.
GRACE: I know, baby. That's what's gotta stop.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(KAREN and GRACE are getting ready for Jack's party.)
KAREN: Honey, what is going on here? There's fingerprints on the China, spots on the silver, the vodka is warm. What is this, junior high? Now, Jack is meeting his actual father tonight. Get it together.
GRACE: Hey, back off or I will force you into brightly colored poly blend.
KAREN: What's with the gratuitous violence, Hannibal Adler?
ROSARIO: [ENTERING] Hello, will my moped be safe outside the building?
GRACE: Yeah.
ROSARIO: Oh, ok. Miss Karen, thank you for inviting me. I know that Jack and I aren't married anymore, but part of me still thinks of him as family.
KAREN: Oh, that's sweet, honey, but you're not here to attend the party, you're here to work the party. So, uh, strip off that bug trap you call a jacket, put on an apron, and shake hands with Mr. Clean.
ROSARIO: Listen, witch... [ARGUING IN SPANISH]
KAREN: God didn't give you those meat-packer hands so you can sit and eat finger sandwiches. He gave them to you so you could scrub grout and scrape lime! Now move!
[WILL ENTERS, CARRYING A BAG OF GROCERIES.]
WILL: Sorry I took so long. I ran into my imaginary boyfriend down at the market. He was standing in the checkout line, so I had no choice but to check him out.
GRACE: Did you talk to him?
WILL: I would've, but I was too busy choking on my fear.
NATHAN: [ENTERING FROM THE BEDROOM] Oh, hello, Grace-ious. [TO WILL] I'm sorry. I didn't realize that this dinner was formal.
WILL: Oh, it's an easy mistake. I'm sure that's considered formal wear at Señor Frog's.
NATHAN: Well, I guess it doesn't work here at Señor Tightass.
WILL: [TO GRACE] What is he doing here?
GRACE: [SIGHS] I just figured since Jack was meeting his father for the first time tonight, that--that the whole evening could have a theme-- Togetherness, you know? Jack and his father, you and Nathan, Karen and her drink.
KAREN: [TO HER DRINK] Thanks for coming. I love you.
GRACE: Will, this is a temporary arrangement, and he's important to me, so as long as he's here, will you just make an effort? Please, it would mean so much to me.
WILL: Fine, fine, but I'll tell you right now, I am not gonna whittle or--or tie my pants with a rope.
[CUT TO LATER. WILL AND NATHAN ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA.]
WILL: So, Nathan, tell me, what kind of work do you do?
NATHAN: Oh, I don't work. I've got my spleen money.
WILL: Right, right. I don't know what that means.
NATHAN: Well, about a year ago, I took a spill on my motorbike-- wheel came off, I went flying, lost a spleen. The bike company coughed up a butt-load of money, and I've been livin' off of that ever since. Pretty cool, huh?
WILL: Yeah, with the market being down the way it is, you may want to lacerate a kidney and reinvest.
NATHAN: Well, I've got my IRA. What do you do?
WILL: I'm a lawyer.
NATHAN: Oh, wow. I'm a man without a spleen. You're a man without a heart. Maybe we should take a trip to Oz.
GRACE: Hello, what's goin' on? What'd I miss?
WILL: We're just saying what we do for a living.
GRACE: Oh, bad topic for both of you. Um, uh, how about things that you have in common, likes, dislikes?
WILL: Well, I hate making small talk with people that I have nothing in common with.
NATHAN: Me, too.
GRACE: See? there you go.
NATHAN: But what I really hate is when someone licks their finger like this... And then sticks it in my ear like that. [NATHAN STICKS HIS WET FINGER INTO WILL'S EAR]
WILL: Ow! [WILL JUMPS UP OFF THE SOFA.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] This has been fun. Yeah, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go dip my head in alcohol.
[WILL EXITS TO HIS BEDROOM.]
KAREN: Oh, wait for me. Wait for...
[JACK ENTERS, SINGING.]
JACK: [SINGING] Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you see me? Papa, can you find me in the night?
[JACK NOTICES NATHAN AND INTRODUCES HIMSELF.]
JACK: Oh, hey, crunchy. I don't believe we've met.
NATHAN: Uh, Nathan. I'm Grace's boyfriend.
JACK: Hmm, that's weird. I'm not gettin' a gay vibe from you.
NATHAN: Well, that's funny. I can't say the same thing.
WILL: [ENTERS] Ooh. So, how you doin', pal? you ready?
JACK: Yeah, I think so. I did a papaya salt scrub, a cucumber mask, a hot oil scalp treatment, and two shots of wheatgrass.
WILL: Wow, you're more than ready. You're a gay salad bar.
JACK: [LAUGHS] Oh, everything's food with you, isn't it? Oh, what do you think dad's gonna be like? Oh, I Don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin, just as long as he's rich and thin.
KAREN: Oh, honey, take it from me. Rich and fat works, too.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
JACK: [GASPS] Uma Thurman Hawke, he's here! Ok, I'm gonna answer the door. No, that'll seem needy, but I am needy, but needy's not hot, but I'm hot, so it doesn't matter. [SINGING] Papa, can you hear me?
WILL: Jack, take it easy. You're having a Yentl breakdown.
JACK: Ok, ok. I'm gonna play it cool and let him come to me.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR.]
JOANNE: Hi. I'm Jo Black. I--I'm looking for Jack McFarland.
JACK: Daddy!
[JACK RUNS AND GRABS HER AND HUGS HER.]
JOANNE: No, no. Uh, there-- There's something I need to explain.
JACK: I know, daddy. You're a woman, but on some level, who isn't?
JOANNE: No, Jack. no, no. That's why I wanted to meet you in person. My name is JoAnne Black. I'm Joe Black's wife.
JACK: Oh, nice to meet you. Where's my papa?
JOANNE: I am so sorry. I--I really don't quite know how to say this, but... your father died five years ago.
JACK: Oh. Ok... Will you excuse me for a minute?
[JACK RUNS INTO WILL'S BEDROOM.]
KAREN: [TO GRACE] Whoo. Honey, it-- it must be a relief to finally have someone else kill your party.
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment, Will's Bedroom
(JACK is sitting on Will's bed alone.)
[WILL KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND ENTERS.]
WILL: How you doin'? Come on, Jack. You've been in here all night. Come on, talk to me. Who's the prettiest lady in this room?
JACK: Me.
WILL: Ok.
JACK: My dad is gone, Will. I'm never gonna meet him. He'll never teach me to ride a bike or throw a ball or kiss a man. I'm totally alone.
WILL: Jack, what have you really lost here? I mean, it would have been great if you'd gotten to know him, but he was not part of your life before. He's not part of your life now. What's really changed?
JACK: But I loved him.
WILL: But you didn't know him.
JACK: But I loved him.
WILL: Maybe you just loved the idea of him.
JACK: He was the source of all my talent.
WILL: But you don't have any talent.
JACK: But I loved him.
[JACK THROWS HIMSELF ONTO WILL'S BED.]
WILL: And here we are again.
[NATHAN KNOCKS AND ENTERS THE ROOM BACKWARDS.]
NATHAN: Comin' in, comin' in. Uh, am I interrupting anything? Are you fellas havin' sex?
WILL: Oh, stop.
JACK: Oh, God.
NATHAN: Well, you know, I figured both of you bein' gay and all...
WILL: Yeah, that's pretty much how it works. Just like if you see any woman.
NATHAN: Yeah.
WILL: Ok, bad analogy. What do you want?
NATHAN: Well, uh, I thought after what happened tonight, maybe Jack could use a little Jack. [HOLDS OUT A BOTTLE.]
JACK: Hello. [JACK TURNS AROUND AND SEES THE BOTTLE] Oh... [LAYS BACK DOWN.]
WILL: Thanks, Nathan, but when we're in pain, we--we usually prefer just to talk it out rather than, say, gettin' all liquored up and goin' down to the dump and shootin' rats.
NATHAN: I was thinking more of a memorial of sorts. You know, when someone close to you dies, it's important to remember 'em, you know, drink a toast, say good-bye?
WILL: No, like I said, I don't think that's the way Jack--
JACK: [SITS UP] I wanna do it.
WILL: What?
JACK: I loved him.
WILL: But you didn't know him.
NATHAN: But he loved him, Willard.
[WILL SIGHS]
NATHAN: Ok. Why don't you start, Will? [NATHAN HANDS WILL A SHOT GLASS.]
WILL: Oh, I don't know. I mean--
JACK: Come on, Will. For me.
WILL: Ok. Um... [CLEARS THROAT] I never had the opportunity to meet Joe Black. Saw the movie, though. A bit long, didn't care for it... Even though it had Brad Pitt in it. Didn't care for Snatch, either. The movie. Uh, anyway, uh... Here's to you, Joe. We hardly knew ye. Actually, we didn't know ye at all.
JACK: To Joe.
NATHAN: To Joe.
[ALL THREE CLICK GLASSES AND DRINK.]
JACK: Well, thank you, Will.
NATHAN: Jack, you're up.
JACK: Oh, well, ok. First of all, I'd like to say thank you to Joe Black. Thank you for giving me my piercing blue eyes, my impossibly high cheekbones, my rock-hard ass... And my feminine side... Which I did not get from my mother. In conclusion... [SINGING] Papa, how I love you papa, how I need you papa, how I miss you kissing meeee good niiiiiiiiight............
JACK: [SINGING] Looking in the sky--
NATHAN AND WILL: To Joe!
WILL: Well, terrific. I'm glad we did that.
It was a nice idea. Uh, Jack, you want to do something? Maybe go down to the park and laugh at the heterosexuals kissing?
NATHAN: Wait a minute. I'd like to say something about Joe.
WILL: Oh, sorry. Go ahead. After all, you knew him as well as we did.
NATHAN: We're born, we grow, we live, we die. If we're lucky, we have family and friends who know us and love us. I never knew my dad. But it doesn't matter, because wherever we go and whatever we do, we can know that the spirit of the mother and the spirit of the father are alive in each of us. That everything good already exists within ourselves. So, here's to Joe... the father in all of us.
ALL: To Joe.
JACK: Thank you, Nathan.
[ALL DRINK]
WILL: Ok, who wants another round?
[CUT TO LATER. GRACE OPENS UP WILL'S DOOR AND FINDS WILL, JACK, AND NATHAN PASSED OUT ON THE BED.]
GRACE: Oh, my God. I've turned another one.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(The next morning. NATHAN is cooking omelets for WILL and GRACE.)
NATHAN: Incoming! [NATHAN FLIPS AN OMELET ONTO WILL'S PLATE.]
WILL: Whoa! How have I lived without phony bologna omelets?
NATHAN: Wait till you try my southern fried I-can't-believe-it's-not-chicken.
WILL: Can we have dinner at 6:00?
NATHAN: How 'bout dinner at 8:00?
WILL: I get too hungry for dinner at 8:00.
NATHAN AND WILL: [BOTH SINGING] That's why the lady is tramp!
GRACE: Oh, my god. You did sleep together.
NATHAN: Grace, if you're gonna think I'm gay every time I pass out with men, you're in for a lifetime of heartache.
WILL: [LAUGHING] Ha ha...
NATHAN: Hey, little Willie, you have any socks I can borrow? Both mine are in the wash.
WILL: Top drawer. Help yourself. Oh, there's a small black leather pouch at the back of the drawer. Just disregard that.
[NATHAN EXITS TO WILL'S BEDROOM AS JACK EMERGES AND SHUFFLES INTO THE KITCHEN.]
JACK: Morning, sickness. Ok, I don't know which one of you it was. But last night, someone's hand repeatedly brushed up against James and the giant peaches.
WILL: That was your hand, Jack.
JACK: Ah. I didn't know I was such a tease.
GRACE: How are you feeling this morning?
JACK: Ok. I'm in the third stage of the grieving process. I'm past anger and denial and into leather.
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS]
WILL: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello? Oh, hi, Larry. [BEAT] What? Not the scuba trip!
GRACE: [TO JACK] Watch, he's gonna go up an octave.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Come on! We have been planning this-- Fine, fine. Thanks a lot. No, I Don't want to talk to Hannah. Don't put the kid on. Don't-- [BABY TALK] Hi, Hannah. Hi. Booby booby boo. Your daddies are losers. Bye.
[WILL HANGS UP.]
SCENE IX: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE enters and finds a mini-trampoline on the floor with a bow and a gift card.)
GRACE: What? [PICKS UP THE CARD AND READS IT] "I would have sent flowers, but they're not as much fun to jump up and down on. Love, Nathan."
GRACE: Oh... [GRACE STEPS ONTO THE TRAMPOLINE AND BEGINS JUMPING AND GIGGLING]
KAREN: [ENTERS] Honey, what's that? What's going on? What's happening? Are you jumping or am I on under-medicated?
GRACE: I am jumping on my little gift from my boyfriend. You know what? If I had your boobs, I'd have two black eyes right now.
KAREN: Yeah. you'd also have a rich husband.
GRACE: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that it's a dopey gift 'cause it doesn't have "Tiffany" or "Cartier" or "may cause drowsiness" on it. [SIGHS] But I will tell you something. I like Nathan, and I don't care what you think. So, what do you think?
KAREN: Oh, honey, where do I begin? He's crude, he's crass. Last night at the party, he dropped an ice cube down my blouse just so he could fish it back out again. Oh, honey, I love him.
GRACE: Really?
KAREN: Yeah, I think you found the one.
GRACE: Well, the one for now.
KAREN: Oh, pshaw. Come on. The only thing to do now is get a blood test, pick out a big, white cake, and get a copy of "Sloppy Bride" magazine.
GRACE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast. We've only been going out for two weeks. It took me longer to pick out my screen name, and it's "Grace Adler."
KAREN: Mmm, I don't know. I think you're gonna be with Nathan forever. I can feel it in some of my original bones. Yeah, it's just a matter of time before you're driving a mini-van full of screaming kids to K-Mart to pick out curtains for your mud hut in Tarrytown. Oh, and you know what the best part is? Now, you can start phasing Nathan in and Will out. Yeah, you know, it's like it says in the Bible. "When you've got the beau, who needs the 'mo?"
SCENE X: The Village Cinema, Chocolat
(WILL, GRACE, and NATHAN enter the theatre.)
GRACE: Ok, we have a problem. I don't see three seats together.
WILL: Well, there's two over there, and there's those two there.
GRACE: All right, I'm gonna ask that couple to move.
NATHAN AND WILL: [BOTH] Be nice.
GRACE: What? I'm always nice. [LAUGHS]
[GRACE MAKES HER WAY DOWN THE AISLE.]
GRACE: Excuse me, I hate to bother you--
MAN: We're not moving.
GRACE: You suck. I hope you're sitting on gum.
WOMAN: I'm sorry. He's just angry because I'm making him see Chocolat again. And besides, that seat's broken.
GRACE: [TO WILL AND NATHAN] Oh, great. We can't sit together. Let's just go see another movie.
NATHAN: No, I don't want to miss Chocolat. It's magical.
WILL: Look, I'll take that one over there, and you guys take these two. It's fine.
NATHAN: All right. Well... We'll see you later, and if you need anything, just, you know... go get it.
[WILL SITS DOWN NEAR THE MAN AND WOMAN. NATHAN AND GRACE SIT ACROSS THE AISLE.]
NATHAN: [TO GRACE] You know, the truth is, I'm glad it's just us, because there's something I've been wanting to say to you. [CLEARS THROAT] Yeah, I've never been the first one to say this in a relationship, but I'm just gonna do it. Grace, I--
GRACE: [INTERRUPTING] Oh, will you excuse me a minute?
NATHAN: What?
GRACE: Um, I--I--I need to be sitting next to Will when the candy band plays.
NATHAN: The what?
GRACE: You know, the candy band, the ad for the concession when the different types of candy play different instruments, and the box of popcorn is out on a date with the sexy soda. Anyway, Will and I have this little thing that we do when the box of Goobers gets his nose stuck in the screen. Excuse me.
[GRACE CROSSES THE AISLE AND STEPS OVER THE MAN AND WOMAN TO GET TO WILL.]
GRACE: Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Oh, gosh! Ok, someone's gonna need a new soda.
[SHE SITS DOWN AND FALLS THROUGH THE BROKEN SEAT].
GRACE: Oh! Ah! [TO WILL] Hi.
WILL: What are you doing here? You know I don't like to be near you when the candy band comes on.
GRACE: I think that Nathan is about to say "I love you."
WILL: Yeah?
GRACE: Isn't that too much? Isn't it too soon?
WILL: When he tells you he loves you, that's wonderful. God, if I could get a guy to say he loved me, I wouldn't be here. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I would. I love Chocolat.
GRACE: No, no, no. You don't understand. If he says "I love you," then that-- That just starts a whole chain of events in motion, and before I know it, I'm living in a mud hut in Tarrytown.
WILL: I have no idea what you're talking about. Now, just please, get out of here, ok? I don't want you here when the nose gets stuck. Go!
GRACE: [STEPPING OVER THE MAN AND WOMAN] Excuse me. Pardon me. Ooh! Oh, God. Ok, someone's gonna need popcorn. Excuse me.
[GRACE SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO NATHAN.]
GRACE: Hi. I'm sorry about that.
NATHAN: Now let's just watch the movie.
SCENE XI: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is sitting at her desk when JACK enters.)
KAREN: Oh, hey there, muffin. How are you doing with this whole dad thing?
JACK: Better, I think. I have light days and heavy days. Today's a light day. I could even ride a horse.
KAREN: Well, I give you credit. Boy, if I'd spent two years of my life looking for my dad only to find out he's dead, I-- I don't think there'd be a pill big enough to kill that pain. Oh, who am I kidding? They'd make me one.
[ELLIOT, A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY, ENTERS.]
ELLIOT: [TO KAREN] Excuse me. Are you Karen Walker?
KAREN: Why? Did her step-son sit on you?
ELLIOT: No.
KAREN: Did her driver accidentally run you over?
ELLIOT: No.
KAREN: Are you an employee at one of her husband's textile factories in Jakarta?
ELLIOT: No.
KAREN: I'm Karen Walker. How can I help you?
ELLIOT: Um, well, I went to your house 'cause that's the last address I had. I'm looking for Jack McFarland.
JACK: Why? does he owe you money?
ELLIOT: No.
JACK: Did he steal some of your jokes for his cabaret act?
ELLIOT: No.
JACK: You missing a scooter you probably weren't using anyway?
ELLIOT: No.
JACK: Hi, I'm Jack McFarland.
ELLIOT: You are? Wow. I mean, hi. I'm Elliot.
JACK: Well, what can we do for you, little man?
ELLIOT: Uh, well, 13 years ago, did you donate your, um..."stuff" to a... "stuff" bank called the New York Family Clinic?
JACK: Let's see. I think I did have an account at that bank.
ELLIOT: Well, my mom was a nurse there, and she wanted a baby real bad, so she took your...donation. Um... I'm your son.
[KAREN FALLS OUT OF HER CHAIR, SLIDING ONTO THE FLOOR.]
SCENE XII: The Corner Coffee Shop
[WILL IS SITTING READING THE NEWSPAPER HAVING A COFFEE WHEN HIS IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND WALKS IN.]
WILL: I'm gonna talk to him. I'm gonna talk to him.
[WILL GETS UP, THEN TURNS AROUND AND SITS BACK DOWN.]
WILL: Tomorrow, I am gonna talk to him.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Great news. Guess where we're going on Friday.
WILL: To the drugstore so you can stock up on Campho-Phenique? I'm just going by what we did last Friday.
GRACE: Ok, I'll give you a hint... "We'll always have Paris."
WILL: Paris?
GRACE: No! Casablanca. Morocco, you ninny! Look! two tickets!
WILL: Mor-- Aah! Whoo-hoo!
WILL: I wanted to go to Morocco ever since college!
GRACE: I know! Well, I figured, since your scuba trip was canceled, it's just a perfect opportunity for us to finally go.
WILL: Can you really take the time off?
GRACE: Well, I talked to my boss, which is me. She's a bit of a bitch, but then I threatened to quit, and she's all, "You can't quit. You're fired." And I'm all, "You can't fire me. I quit."
WILL: Finish this, babe.
GRACE: We're going to Morocco!
WILL: Yeah!
GRACE: Three fun-filled weeks! I've already booked the whole thing with Jeanette, the bitter-for-no-reason travel agent.
WILL: Why is she bitter?
GRACE: No reason.
WILL: God! Morocco! This is gonna be great, you know? We're gonna be rockin' the casbah, even if the sharif don't like it. Uh, what about Nathan?
GRACE: What about him?
WILL: Well, I mean, you guys just started to get serious. Isn't it really kind of a bad time to leave?
GRACE: Oh, Don't worry about Nathan. He'll be fine.
WILL: Ok.
GRACE: Morocco!
WILL: Whoo-hoo!
GRACE: Oh, hey! Hey, isn't that your imaginary boyfriend?
WILL: Yeah. I-I'm being coy today, you know? I'm his coy toy. I'm his koi pond. No wonder I'm alone.
SCENE XIII: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is waiting for JACK, who has run in.)
JACK: I came as fast as I could. Where's my red chinchilla warm-up suit?
KAREN: Honey, I lied. There is no suit.
JACK: And I fell for it! Twice in one day!
KAREN: Honey, you have a child. You've gotta start dealing with that.
JACK: This again? Since when do you care so much about family?
KAREN: Hey! I'm the one who cared enough about my dying grandfather to walk up a mountain every day to tend to him. Yeah, even after they took me away to be Clara's companion, I never forgot about him, no. No. In fact, I got Clara out of that wheelchair just so I could get back to my dear grandpapa.
JACK: Karen, that's not you. That's Heidi.
KAREN: Oh. Then what's my story?
JACK: Look, my mind is made up. I don't want to see that kid, ok? [JACK EXITS]
KAREN: All right, but I've got a small man in the back who's ready to give you a red chinchilla warm-up suit.
JACK: [PEEKS BACK IN] Really?
KAREN: Mm-hmm. Come on out, sir!
ELLIOT: [ENTERING FROM THE SWATCH ROOM.] Hey.
JACK: She did it again!
KAREN: Ha! All right, now get in there. You two are gonna stay in here till you work something out. [KAREN EXITS, CLOSING THE DOOR.]
ELLIOT: Mr. McFarland, I didn't mean to freak you out. I just wanted to meet you.
JACK: Yeah, well, we don't need to meet, ok? Because I'm not your father.
ELLIOT: But you are. My mom still has your file. It says that you were a ballet dancer and model who enjoys long walks on the beach.
JACK: [GASPS] That's not me.
ELLIOT: And it says that you were part of a performing group called "Jack and the Beanstalk."
JACK: That was a solo act! Uhh! Listen, Elliot, I can't do this with you, ok? I mean, a kid just does not fit into my "E! True Hollywood Story."
ELLIOT: But I don't want anything from you. I just thought every once in a while we could, I don't know, hang out or something, maybe throw a ball--
JACK: [GASPS]
ELLIOT: Or watch hockey--
JACK: [GASPS]
ELLIOT: Or see a Jackie Chan movie?
JACK: [GASPS] Dear God! What has not having a father done to you?
ELLIOT: So, what do you think?
JACK: Yeah, I... Listen, Elliot, I'm sorry, but--
ELLIOT: It's ok. It doesn't matter. I mean, what do you care? You don't know what it's like not to know your father.
JACK: Actually, I do. I didn't know my father, either.
ELLIOT: Really?
JACK: Yeah. My dad was some anonymous stranger in a Nixon mask who did my mom at a pool party.
ELLIOT: Who's Nixon?
JACK: I don't know.
ELLIOT: Didn't you ever wonder who your dad was and if he was like you?
JACK: Yeah, I used to. For a while, you know, every drop-dead gorgeous guy I'd see, I'd yell "daddy" and see if they turn around.
ELLIOT: I used to pretend my dad was Spiderman.
JACK: My God, you must be psychic, because I have been known to scale tall buildings to get out of sticky situations.
ELLIOT: Well, I've met you. I guess I should go.
JACK: Yeah.
[JACK AND ELLIOT SHAKE HANDS AND ELLIOT TURNS TO LEAVE.]
JACK: Hey! Um... You know, if you're not in a hurry, you maybe wanna go grab a burger or something?
ELLIOT: Yeah, I guess. You buying?
JACK: Heh, I was just gonna ask you the same thing. Hey, it gets pretty chilly out there, so... [JACK ZIPS UP ELLIOT'S JACKET.]
JACK: So, where are you from?
ELLIOT: I'm from Queens.
JACK: Yes, you are, but we'll talk about that when you're older.
SCENE XIV: Will's Apartment
(WILL is packing for the trip. GRACE exits her
bedroom with her luggage.)
GRACE: Ok, time to go to the airport.
WILL: What are you talking about? Our flight doesn't leave for six hours.
GRACE: Yeah, but I gotta do my pre-flight safety check.
WILL: Oh, you mean testing the metal detectors by walking through them with spoons in your bra?
GRACE: Yeah, that, and also having my lucky pizza at Sbarro.
WILL: I'll meet you there.
[GRACE EXITS]
WILL: Ok. gel, mousse... thickener, volumizer... wet look, dry look... megahold... Something in here I don't need. Oh, shampoo. [WILL TOSSES THE BOTTLE ONTO THE FLOOR.]
NATHAN: [ENTERING] Hey.
WILL: Hey.
NATHAN: Just came to return your socks. You don't need to wash 'em. I only wore 'em a day or two.
[NATHAN PULLS HIS SHOES OFF AND TAKES OFF WILL'S SOCKS.]
WILL: You just missed your girlfriend.
NATHAN: You mean ex-girlfriend.
WILL: What?
NATHAN: She broke up with me.
WILL: She what?! That's impossible! She didn't say anything to me, and she tells me everything.
NATHAN: Obviously not everything.
WILL: Did she say why?
NATHAN: Well, she talked for a long time about her life and her future and how I'm macaroni salad and she's kugel with raisins, and by the time she started quoting lyrics to "Desperado," I was lost.
WILL: I can't... Why would she break up with you? This-- You're sensitive, you're smart, you're funny, you've got an ass that won't quit. I mean, it's just so, you know... Just it's perfect and round and you just-- Again, why? why?
NATHAN: You got me. Maybe it's like she said, "Been out riding fences for so long now." I mean, I'm a hard one, but I got my reasons.
WILL: I--I Don't know what to tell you. She's crazy. And just when you think you've reached the bottom level of her craziness, there's a crazy underground garage.
NATHAN: Well, yeah, somebody may have shot out her porch light, but I do love her. Heh. Have a nice trip.
[NATHAN EXITS.]
SCENE XV: The Airport, Baggage Check-In
(GRACE is checking in with the SKY CAP PORTER.)
PORTER: So, have your bags been in your possession at all times?
GRACE: Yes.
PORTER: And has anyone asked you to carry anything for them?
GRACE: No.
PORTER: Thank you. Enjoy your flight.
GRACE: Wait, that's it? You're just gonna let me through? How do you know I wasn't lying?
PORTER: Well, I don't, but if it'll make you happy, we can take a trip to security and you can meet Lorraine and her tough love glove.
GRACE: You're very good.
PORTER: Thank you. Please fill out these I.D. cards. You'll be leaving at Gate 9A in four and a half hours.
[A LIMO PULLS UP. WILL STEPS OUT WITH HIS LUGGAGE.]
GRACE: God, finally, you're here. Look, I still have to find the pilot. I wanna ask him about his cholesterol levels.
WILL: Why did you break up with Nathan?
GRACE: Look, I just wanna get on the plane, go to Morocco, and start having some fun. Do we have to talk about this right now?
WILL: Yes, we do.
GRACE: I don't see a future with him, ok? I'm 27 years old. I'm not getting any younger.
WILL: Really? 'Cause in that sentence, you got five years younger.
GRACE: Let's go.
WILL: No. Talk to me!
GRACE: I don't wanna talk--
WILL: Tell me!
GRACE: It wasn't working out, ok?
WILL: Why?
GRACE: He-- He's weird!
WILL: He's interesting.
GRACE: He's childish.
WILL: He's fun.
GRACE: He's aimless.
WILL: He could change your life.
GRACE: That's what I'm afraid of.
WILL: Yeah, but why?
GRACE: I like my life. I like our thing. If things start working out with Nathan, then everything's gonna change.
WILL: Good! Grace... So it changes. I-I-I just don't want you using me as an excuse for not getting on with your life.
GRACE: That's not what I'm doing. It's just that--
WILL: Do you love him?
GRACE: Do I what?
WILL: Don't do Fiddler with me. I'm asking you a question. Do you love him?
GRACE: It is not that simple.
WILL: Do you love him?
GRACE: I don't know. Maybe...
WILL: Well, go find out. Grace, you got two choices here. You take the easy route-- Fly to a third-world country, ride a camel, and wake up in a tent beside the swarthy prince who bought you. Or you can take a risk in your life, get in that car, go back to the apartment, and see what happens with you and Nathan.
[GRACE GETS IN THE LIMO. NATHAN IS THERE.]
NATHAN: I knew you'd choose me.
GRACE: You know, I just as easily could have gotten on that plane and...
[NATHAN KISSES GRACE.]
GRACE: Could be on the way to Morocco right now... With the camels and the sand--
NATHAN: I love you.
GRACE: I love you, too.
[GRACE AND NATHAN KISS.]
[WILL BUMPS INTO A GUY.]
MAN: Oh, excuse me--
WILL: Excuse me-- My fault...
[IT'S WILL'S IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND FROM THE CAFE.]
CHRIS: Hey, I know you. I've seen you at the coffee shop on Columbus. You know, I keep meaning to introduce myself. I'm--I'm Chris.
WILL: Will. Hi. Uh, where are you off to?
CHRIS: France. Going on this bike tour through the Loire valley. How 'bout you?
WILL: France. Bike tour.
[GRACE AND NATHAN ARE KISSING IN THE LIMO.]
GRACE: Mmm-- Ok, just a minute.
[GRACE PULLS THE SPOONS FROM HER BRA AND TOSSES THEM ON THE FLOOR.]