Episode #3.12
Original Airdate 6/24/2001
Written by
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
GUEST CAST
Patrick Dempsey (Matthew Moshea)
Marshall Manesh (Mr. Zamir)
Murphy Dylan Devine (Boy)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is making pancakes for breakfast when GRACE enters, still wearing an evening dress.)
WILL: Well, hello, Miss Crept-in-at-3:00-A.M.-slept-in-her-dress. Somebody obviously ended the evening with a bang.
GRACE: No, just a little French kissing.
WILL: Oh, what? With that guy who kept going around the party saying, "it's all good."
GRACE: No. He bugged the crap out of me. He kept asking me why I wouldn't smile. I finally had to tell him it was because I was born without smiling muscles like that kid in Wisconsin.
WILL: Hah. That's good. I once told someone I couldn't have sex with them because--'cause Jupiter was in my rising house.
GRACE: I know. It was me.
WILL: Oh, right. You lie a lot, you know that? You are a very big liar, Grace Adler.
GRACE: I am not. I never lie. Could you sign my doctor's name on this? I'm trying to get out of jury duty. Oh, come on. Come on, sign it. He gave me some stationery and told me I could write whatever I want on it.
WILL: [READING] "Borderline personality disorder"? "High-risk for psychotic break, particularly in a stressful situation." You left out your tendency to not flush if it's just pee.
JACK: [ENTERING] You are a disgrace, Margaret Truman! A disgrace. Don't think that we didn't see you and your big forehead sneaking out of that party last night.
WILL: Please. It was boring, and then some three-foot-tall guy kept following me around begging me to come back to his apartment to show me his Lion King memorabilia.
JACK: Hey, when's the last time some guy offered to show you his Pumbaa? You can't exactly afford to be choosy. Even Grace was smooching that loser all night who kept saying, "it's all good."
WILL: [TO GRACE] I thought you said--
GRACE: I lied.
JACK: I am telling you, you're gonna blink, and you'll be 80 and alone in a caftan with a lap full of catnip saying "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." It's time to put the "sex" back in "homosexual," Will! So get a freakin' boyfriend! P.S., I ruined your new shirt, let's see a movie later!
[JACK EXITS]
GRACE: Don't listen to him.
WILL: Why not? He's right. I have no one in my life, and why? Because there's no one I'm interested in.
GRACE: Oh, now, that's a lie. You're the liar, Will, not me. Oh, God, that's what hurts. [GRACE PULLS TWO PADS OUT OF HER BRA.]
GRACE: What about that cutie that you met at Banana Republic? The guy whose card you've been dating for the last two months?
WILL: What are you-- What card?
[GRACE PULLS A BUSINESS CARD OUT OF WILL'S SHIRT POCKET.]
WILL: Oh, Matt's card. Hmm. No, I don't think it's gonna work out, anyway. He's kinda square. Ha! You get it? He's kinda-- No wonder I'm alone.
GRACE: Call him.
WILL: I can't.
GRACE: Give me one good reason.
WILL: Because he's a sportswriter. He writes about sports.
GRACE: Oh, that is a good reason.
WILL: Thank you. Wait a minute. What are you-- What are you saying? That I couldn't go out with a sports guy?
GRACE: God, no. No, better you stick to dating his card. In fact, I just got a new Texaco card. Maybe we could double.
WILL: I'm gonna call him.
GRACE: I think it's a bad idea.
WILL: Well, I'm doing it. [WILL PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS.]
GRACE: I wouldn't.
WILL: You just totally manipulated me into that, didn't you?
GRACE: It's all good.
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN and JACK work up the nerve to ask GRACE a question.)
KAREN: Grace, we have a favor to ask you.
JACK: As you know, I recently acquired a prime piece of real estate in the greater Manhattan area.
GRACE: I gave you my apartment.
JACK: Whatever. Anyway, my fair-bosom friend here... [JACK PUTS HIS ARM AROUND KAREN] has generously offered to foot the bill to redecorate my little pomme de terre.
GRACE: Oh, I see where this is going.
JACK: We were hoping you would.
KAREN: And, uh, since this is your area of expertise--
JACK: And we really need a good designer--
KAREN: We were hoping-- God, this is kind of hard to ask. Um... Do you know any?
JACK: [QUIETLY, TO KAREN] Why isn't she speaking?
KAREN: [QUIETLY, TO JACK] She's thinking. Quick, grab a pencil. Be ready to write down whatever she says.
[JACK AND KAREN RUN TO GRACE'S DESK AND GRAB PENCILS AND WAIT FOR GRACE TO SAY SOMETHING.]
JACK: [QUIETLY, TO KAREN] She's not saying nothing.
KAREN: [QUIETLY, TO JACK] That's because she's hypnotized by her own dress. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why don't we ask Grace to do it?
JACK: [QUIETLY, TO KAREN] Is she any good?
GRACE: Hey, Boris, Natasha, I'm right here.
JACK: Excuse me. we're having a private conversation. Nosy parker. Speaking of which, I'd love to park my nosey in that scarf of yours.
KAREN: Do it quick.
[JACK PUTS HIS FACE INTO KAREN'S CHEST]
KAREN: Aah! aah!
JACK: La-la-la-la-la.
KAREN: Aah! hah!
JACK: La-la-la-la-la.
KAREN: Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi-yaa!
JACK: La-la-la-la-la.
JACK: So, will you do it?
GRACE: I wouldn't do it if you paid me twice my fee.
KAREN: How about if I pay you twice your fee?
GRACE: I'll do it.
SCENE III: A Sports Bar
(WILL and MATTHEW are on a date.)
MATT: So, what took you so long to call me?
WILL: That's sort of my style. I like to wait, you know, until the guy has lost all interest in or memory of me, and then I strike.
MATT: Ahh. Well, it worked for me. Oh, look. they're showing last year's all-star game. Pedro Martinez is the best pitcher in baseball, don't you think?
[WILL SHRUGS.]
MATT: Don't tell me you're a Johnson fan?
WILL: Oh, I'm a-- I'm a big Johnson fan.
MATT: You want another beer?
WILL: Mmm.
MATT: Yeah, two more, please. Sorry.
MATT: I love sports.
WILL: Uh-huh?
MATT: Yeah. I always wanted to be a sportscaster. Yeah, when I was a kid I used to hold my mother's curling iron and pretend I was Howard Cosell.
WILL: That's funny. You know, when I was a kid I used to hold my mother's curling iron and pretend I was Eartha Kitt. But, you know, you should pursue it. You'd be great.
MATT: Well, actually, I've got a meeting next week for an on-air position at Channel 9.
WILL: That's great.
MATT: Yeah. I just love that you're into this. The last guy I dated hated sports.
WILL: Huh...
MATT: Hey, you know, since you're a baseball fan, you should join my buddies and me. We get a game going every Saturday in the park. You interested?
WILL: Absolutely. I-I-I-- You know, I miss playing.
MATT: What's your position?
WILL: I'm for it.
SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment
(GRACE is going over design ideas with JACK.)
GRACE: Now, since we're dealing with limited space, I thought we would play off that and go big, overstuff it, but not excessively, smartly.
JACK: [WALKING AROUND THE APARTMENT CONTEMPLATING GRACE'S SUGGESTION] Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [BEAT] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
JACK: I like it. Let's go exactly the opposite.
GRACE: So you want to understuff it stupidly?
JACK: [GASPS TO HIMSELF] See God in everyone. [TO GRACE] I've taken the liberty to pull some pictures from magazines to give you an idea of what I'm looking for. [JACK HANDS GRACE SOME MAGAZINE PAGES.]
GRACE: [SIGHS] Ok. [FLIPS THROUGH THE PICTURES] Yup. Ok. These are pictures from an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog of men lying around with their underwear half off their asses.
JACK: Yeah.... C-Can you do that?
GRACE: Jack, do I have to explain the difference between a decorator and a pimp again?
[JACK POUTS AND EXITS TO HIS BEDROOM.]
KAREN: [ENTERING] There you are. I just got the estimate for the job, and let me tell you something, no one takes advantage of Karen Walker... Except Stan Walker, and at least he has the courtesy to kiss me and buy me jewelry before he gives me the low, soft one.
GRACE: You said that money was no object.
KAREN: Honey, that's just a saying, like, "Ooh, that sounds like fun," or, "I love you." [QUIETLY] Listen, Stan got wind of this, and he's taking the money out of my shoe allowance, so I was hoping you could do the whole thing for, say, under $300 dollars?
GRACE: Oh! Are you insane?! Jack's got expensive taste. I mean, the musical bidet alone is over 400.
KAREN: Well, that's your problem, not mine. Just strip it down to the bare essentials-- Rubber walls, a baby-oil dispenser and a coatrack.
JACK: [JACK ENTERS THE ROOM] Paprika! I've got it! A skylight.
GRACE: Jack, we have already gone over this. You cannot put a skylight on the ninth floor of a 12-story building.
JACK: [SCREECHING] Karen, I can't work like this!
GRACE: You can't work like this?! You know, I'm the one--
[BOTH YELLING AT ONCE]
GRACE: Oh! God! [GRACE STORMS OUT, SLAMMING THE DOOR.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, look. She left her datebook.
JACK: Let's look through it.
KAREN: And change things.
[JACK AND KAREN OPEN THE DATEBOOK, AND A PIECE OF PAPER FALLS OUT.]
KAREN: Oh. Oh. Oops. What is this? [KAREN AND JACK BEND OVER TO PICK UP THE PAPER]
JACK: Ooh, it's a letter from her therapist. I feel bad reading it.
KAREN: I know. It's terrible. Move your hand. I can't see.
JACK: [READING] "Personality disorder."
KAREN: [READING] "Job-related stress."
JACK: [READING] "Prone to aggressive outbursts."
JACK AND KAREN: [BOTH GASP] Oh! She's a psycho!
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL is watching TV when GRACE enters after leaving Jack's apartment.)
GRACE: What are you doing?
WILL: Watching the Knicks game.
GRACE: Why? Did they get new cute boy cheerleaders?
WILL: Hey, I'm allowed to watch sports, ok? 'Cause I'm a guy. That's what guys do. Now get me a beer. Who am I kidding? I want a spritzer. I'll never pull this off.
GRACE: What is happening to you?
WILL: I told Matt that I'm sports nut, that I love watching sports, that I particularly love playing baseball, and that I'm really good at it.
GRACE: How quick can you get out of town?
WILL: What should I do? I mean, do you think I can fake my way through this?
[GRACE THROWS AN ORANGE TO WILL AND HE WATCHES AS IT HITS THE FLOOR NEXT TO HIM.]
GRACE: I'd say no.
SCENE VI: The Hallway between Will and Jack's Apartments
(GRACE opens the door and steps into the hallway, looking for her newspaper.)
GRACE: Where is my paper?
[MR. ZAMIR EXITS HIS APARTMENT WITH A BAG OF GARBAGE.]
GRACE: Mr. Zamir. Mr. Zamir!
ZAMIR: I didn't take your paper.
GRACE: Then how did you know that's what I was gonna ask you about?
ZAMIR: Every day, I tell you I didn't take your paper.
GRACE: And every day, you take it.
ZAMIR: You got me there.
GRACE: I want my paper! Now throw that garbage away. God, the flies are just everywhere. [GRACE BEGINS SWATTING AWAY THE FLIES]
ZAMIR: Those are not my flies. [MR. ZAMIR TURNS TO DROP HIS GARBAGE DOWN THE CHUTE.]
[CUT TO INSIDE JACK'S APARTMENT]
JACK: I mean, I always knew Grace was a little... [WHISTLES "CUCKOO"] But I never knew she was... [IMITATING "PSYCHO"] Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!
KAREN: My mother's crazy. That's why I had her committed. Well, she's not `crazy so much as she just bugged me. Heh. She's a bitch.
JACK: I'm telling you, Karen, I'm worried. I was watching "Justice Files" last night, and they said that 90% of assaults are committed by someone you know.
[JACK AND KAREN PAUSE, THEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER SUSPICIOUSLY.]
KAREN: Would you?
JACK: Maybe.
KAREN: Me, too.
[JACK AND KAREN GIGGLE]
KAREN: But Grace? I mean, come on. She doesn't even have one personality, let alone six or seven.
[JACK AND KAREN HEAR GRACE POUNDING ON A DOOR AND YELLING.]
GRACE [OFF-SCREEN]: [POUNDING] Give me my frickin' paper, you hairy little thief! [POUNDING]
[JACK AND KAREN GASP AND RUN TO THE DOOR AND OPEN IT SLIGHTLY. GRACE IS STANDING OUTSIDE MR. ZAMIR'S DOOR.]
GRACE: You think you're gonna get away with this, but you're not. I'm onto you! You're history! It's over!
GRACE: Oh, God! Get away from me! [GRACE BEGINS WILDLY SWATTING AT THE FLIES AROUND HER HEAD]
[JACK SHUTS THE DOOR AND HE AND KAREN HIDE ALONG THE WALL IN THE CORNER BY THE DOOR.]
JACK: Shh...
[GRACE OPENS JACK'S DOOR.]
GRACE: Guys?
JACK AND KAREN: [SCREAMING] AAAH!
GRACE: [SCREAMING] AAAH! What is wrong with you?!
[GRACE COMPOSES HERSELF.]
GRACE: All right, let me ask you. You said that you wanted mirrored floors. I'm not sure I can make that work.
JACK: But when I'm doing jumping jacks, I like to look at my--
KAREN: Hup-up-up-up-up-up-up!
JACK: Yeah, mirrors-- Mirrors are bad. Bad. I-- I'll just look at my reflection in a steak knife.
KAREN: [UNDER HER BREATH] Mm! Don't!
JACK: If I had one, which I don't. There are no knives in here.
KAREN: No.
GRACE: What's going on?
KAREN: Gee, honey, you look real pretty today. Maybe sometime I could borrow your little kitty shirt?
GRACE: Ok, you guys are creeping me out, so I'm just gonna--
GRACE: Damn it! [GRACE SWATS AT THE FLIES AROUND HER HEAD] Get--! Quit--! [TO JACK AND KAREN] All right, I'm just gonna go and work on my sketches, and then I'm gonna-- Oh! There's my datebook. I thought that Will took it to work with him. I was gonna kill him. [SHE SIGHS AND PICKS UP THE DATEBOOK.]
KAREN: But you have it now, so no one has to die, right?
GRACE: Ok....
[GRACE TAKES A STEP TOWARDS THE DOOR AS JACK AND KAREN TAKE A STEP AWAY FROM THE DOOR.]
[GRACE STOPS, THEN JACK AND KAREN FREEZE.]
[GRACE TAKES TWO MORE STEPS TOWARDS THE DOOR. JACK AND KAREN TAKE TWO STEP AWAY.]
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR TO LEAVE AND TURNS AROUND. JACK AND KAREN FREEZE. GRACE EXITS JACK'S APARTMENT.]
[CUT TO THE HALLWAY.]
GRACE: [SCOFFS] Ugh.
[THE "PSYCHO" LETTER FALLS OUT OF GRACE'S DAY PLANNER.]
GRACE: Ohh. Oh-ho-ho...
SCENE VII: A Batting Cage
(GRACE is trying to coach WILL into hitting a baseball.)
WILL: I love it. That's perfect. Act crazy, they'll let you decorate any way you want.
[WILL SWINGS AND MISSES.]
WILL: You know, it's so diabolical, you know, which makes everything better.
[WILL SWINGS AND MISSES.]
WILL: You know, the question is what kind of crazy should you be?
[WILL SWINGS AND MISSES.]
WILL: You know, you could-- You could be like Barbra Streisand in Nuts, but-- No, crazy people never have French tips or $600 highlights.
[WILL SWINGS AND MISSES.]
WILL: Or Sybil was very effective. You know, "The people. The people. The people."
[WILL SWINGS AND MISSES.]
WILL: But I think you want to be more like Francis.
[WILL SWINGS AND MISSES.]
GRACE: Hit the freakin' ball, you damn sissy!
WILL: Excuse me, Grace, that's not exactly helpful. You know, in fact, I think I've improved quite a bit today.
GRACE: No, you haven't. You suck! Your bat hasn't even connected with the ball once!
WILL: Yeah, but since you told me not to stand on the plate, the ball hasn't hit me once.
GRACE: Will, if you want to make Matt think you're some kind of ball player, you gotta focus, be tough, attack the ball. Here, let me show you. Come on.
[GRACE GRABS THE BAT FROM WILL.]
GRACE: Ok. Weight on the back leg... Feet shoulder-width apart... Elbow up... Eye on the ball...
[GRACE SWINGS AND HITS THE BALL.]
WILL: Ok, I think I got it. Let me try now.
[GRACE SWINGS AND HITS THE BALL.]
GRACE: No, trust me. You don't have it yet.
[GRACE SWINGS AND HITS THE BALL.]
WILL: Grace--
GRACE: Here, why don't you run off and get me a little corn dog and some nachos. [GRACE HANDS WILL SOME MONEY.]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are back from batting practice.)
WILL: Hey, see that? A blister from the batting cage. You're looking at my very first sports injury. Not counting the time that I got a groin pull reaching for a pair of sneaker clogs at Foot Locker.
GRACE: I am so proud of you. I know you were embarrassed when we had to move to the kiddie area, but you felt like a man when the ball hit the clown, didn't you?
WILL: Yeah. He went down.
GRACE: I've got to get to Jack's. I've got this bit where I kiss the wall and hum. It freaks them out, and I love it.
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR. MATT IS STANDING THERE.]
GRACE: Oh, hey, Matt.
MATT: Hi, Grace. Do you ever not look gorgeous?
GRACE: God... Ten years ago, I would have wasted so much time liking you. [GRACE EXITS.]
MATT: [TO WILL] Guess what?
WILL: You got the Channel 9 job.
MATT: I got it! I got the job!
WILL: I'm so happy for you!
MATT: I'm a sportscaster, Will.
[WILL AND MATT HUG.]
MATT: Oh! Next week, I'm gonna start doing sideline reporting. I'll be like a Jeremy Schaap or a Sal Palantonio.
WILL: Hey, you know what I like to do when something good happens to me? Huh? Something athletic. Like, uh, hey! Why don't we go to the batting cages, hit a few?
MATT: Oh, better idea. Let's play some basketball.
SCENE IX: Jack's Apartment
(GRACE has finished decorating Jack's apartment. A knock on the door. GRACE opens the door and lets JACK and KAREN in.)
GRACE: Here it is. What do you think?
JACK: Oh, my God! I've changed my mind. My dream home is no longer Jeannie's bottle. It's this.
KAREN: Grace, here's the check for what I owe you, and just FYI, from now on at work, I'm gonna bring a nurse with enough Thorazine to stop a charging elephant, ok?
GRACE: [LAUGHS] Do you know why I'm laughing?
JACK: Someone in your head said something funny?
GRACE: 'Cause I tricked you. That letter from my shrink? I wrote it... To get out of jury duty, and once I knew that you knew, I knew that I could use it to get what I wanted.
JACK: Oh, I see.
KAREN: Aren't you something?
JACK: A smarty...
GRACE: So you see, I'm not really crazy. Actually, I'm kinda brilliant.
[GRACE TAKES A STEP TOWARDS KAREN AND JACK, WHO TAKE A STEP BACKWARDS.]
KAREN: Oh. Yeah, anything you say, honey. [TO JACK] Damn it! Why did I waste all that mace on Rosario?
GRACE: Didn't you hear what I said? I'm not crazy. It was just an act.
JACK: Oh, my God! She's got an ax!
KAREN: Oh! Oh! Oh!
[JACK AND KAREN RUN OUT OF THE APARTMENT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
GRACE: Act! It was an act! I am not crazy. I'm not crazy!
[GRACE BEGINS SWATTING AT THE FLIES IN THE HALLWAY]
GRACE: God! How many--
KAREN: Ah!
[JACK AND KAREN RUN DOWN THE HALL TO THE STAIRS.]
SCENE X: The YMCA, Men's Lockerroom
(MATT and WILL are entering the lockerroom after playing basketball.)
WILL: That was pretty good. Oh, yeah. You know, I was a little rusty at first--
MATT: But then you warmed up and you just plain sucked.
WILL: Hey! That's--that's not fair. I--I beat that one guy.
MATT: He was four.
WILL: He was seven if he was a day.
MATT: Why are you doing this? You hated every minute of it.
WILL: Are you kidding me? I mean, the--the balls and the dribbling and the--the beautiful hardwood floors. Ok, basketball's not my game.
MATT: Yeah, I kind of suspected that when I suggested a game of Horse and you got down on all fours.
WILL: I knew that sounded too good to be true.
MATT: Look, you don't have to pretend to like sports for me.
WILL: Yes, I do. It's why you broke up with your last boyfriend, isn't it?
MATT: Do you really think I'm that shallow? I broke up with him because he was poor. I'm kidding! I'm kidding. We were just different. I like foreign movies. He liked foreign men.
WILL: Ah. God, I wish you'd told me that sooner. I spent eight hours in the batting cage when I could have been home watching the All-American Cheerleader finals.
MATT: Penn State won.
WILL: Of course they did. They have Gigi Vandecourt and Cami Sewell.
MATT: So, no more lies? We'll be honest with each other?
WILL: Deal.
MATT: Oh, head's up. Here comes the kid you beat. Try not to rub it in. [MATT EXITS TO THE SHOWERS.]
WILL: [TO THE BOY] Thanks for letting me win.
[THE BOY HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. WILL GIVES HIM SOME MONEY.]
WILL: You know, I--I might have won on my own.
BOY: Yeah, in your dreams.