"Secrets and Lays"

Episode #1.17
Original Airdate 3/23/99
Written by Dava Savel
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee

Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)

David Sutcliffe (Campbell)
Paul Gutrecht (Bartender)

SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are packing.)

WILL: Grace, we're going to a cabin in the woods. I'm almost certain you're not gonna need a sequined purse.

GRACE: Ok. Do you need it?

WILL: Grace, with this outfit? No. So tell me again, why are we doing this?

GRACE: I told you, I need to see winter. Come on, we'll build a snowman... do funny things with the carrot.

WILL: Well... [ENGLISH ACCENT] I do love me vegetables. [NORMAL VOICE] But a whole weekend with Jack and Karen...

GRACE: Oh, come on! That's the incentive. Just think about it. Karen doing anything in nature. And Jack chopping wood.

[JACK and KAREN enter.]

JACK: [RAPPING, WITH KAREN CLAPPING] To the cabin we will go, to ski upon the snow. We'll see a lot of bears, forgettin' all our cares.

WILL: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Puff Mommy. [WILL EXITS TO HIS BEDROOM.]

GRACE: [TO JACK AND KAREN] Ok, listen as far as Will knows, this is just a fun, impulsive getaway for the weekend. So please, no mention of Michael or the fact that tomorrow would have been their anniversary. This is to take his mind off that.

JACK: Oh, look. Mittens in a muff. [PICKING UP THE MUFF.]


JACK: Ooh. [PICKING UP A SCARF] Can I have this? It'll bring out the chestnut in my eyes.

GRACE: No, no, that's Will's, and that's the last thing he'd wanna see. Michael gave that to him for his birthday.

JACK: [SQUEEKY VOICE] Hi! I'm Scarfy. I'm the gift you give your boyfriend before you dump him. I cost 12 dollars.

GRACE: Hey! Sensitiva! What did I just say to you?

JACK: I heard you. You know, no one took me on vacation when I broke up with... what's his face? Uh, bleached hair, tattoo, goatee... who am I talking about?

KAREN: God, I don't know, honey. You just described a needle in a gaystack.


SCENE II: Karen's Cabin
(WILL, GRACE, JACK, and KAREN enter the cabin with their luggage.)

KAREN: All right, everybody. Come on in. Girls are downstairs, boys are up. Hey! People, careful with my luggage. Grace, honey, six inches from the walls, I can tell you're a basher. [HOLDING OUT MONEY TO WILL AND JACK] All right, here you go, for your troubles.

WILL: Karen, you're tipping us? We're not going to take your money.

JACK: [ENGLISH ACCENT] Will mum be needing towels this evening?

GRACE: Isn't this fantastic?

WILL: Yeah.

GRACE: Oh, God, look at it. There's, like, no one around.

JACK: My God, What if we got trapped here? Who'd we eat first?

WILL: Well, Karen's out, because there's nothing natural or digestible on her body. But I mean that as a complement.

KAREN: And I took it that way, honey.

JACK: Well, I'm out because I'm too petite. A good soup is all you're gonna from me. It would have to be someone with enough meat-slash-fat on him. Oh! Will! Try not to move around too much, it'll keep it tender.

GRACE: Wait a minute. How come no one wants to eat me?

JACK AND WILL [Together]: Too chewy.

WILL: Karen, did you see this? It's a note from the caretaker. "Cook's dead."

GRACE: Who's Cook?

KAREN: Our cook.

GRACE: Your cook's name is "Cook"?

KAREN: No, Grace, he has a name. I just don't remember it. No wait a minute, it'll come to me, it'll come to me... "Where are my damned eggs... Paul!" Paul. God, Paul is dead. Now who the hell is gonna cook for us?!

WILL: I guess this concludes the mourning period.

KAREN: Wait, maybe the passing of Cook was a blessing in disguise. I'm gonna cook. Men, go hunt wild game. There's a White Hen Pantry two miles down the hill. Whoop! [KAREN TOSSES THE KEYS TO WILL AND JACK. IT LANDS AT THEIR FEET.]

GRACE: Karen, the gays don't catch.

WILL: Allow me to go hunt and gather for the womenfolk.

GRACE: Jack, don't you think it would be nice if you went with Will so that he didn't have to go alone?


WILL: Very well. I'll hunt and gather with the womenfolk. [WILL AND JACK EXIT.]

GRACE: Thanks again, Karen for letting us use your cabin. This is going to be so great for Will.

KAREN: Oh, no problem, honey. Stan had to take his kids to Scarsdale to see their real mother. What was her name. No wait a minute, it'll come to me... "Stan, take your kids to see that bitch... Cathy!" Cathy.

[Grace exits to the bedroom. The caretaker, Campbell, enters from the back door with an armful of firewood.]

CAMPBELL: Hey, Mrs. Walker.

KAREN: Campbell, is that you? Little Campbell? My, my, look how you've grown.

CAMPBELL: We saw each other three months ago.

KAREN: Oh, well, I guess everything just looks bigger in the woods.


CAMPBELL: Oh my God, Grace Adler?

GRACE: Oh, my God.

KAREN: You two know each other?

GRACE: High school

CAMPBELL: We saw Loverboy together.

GRACE: Oh, that's right! We did!

KAREN: So, you were both geeks in high school.

GRACE: Campbell, what are you doing here?

CAMPBELL: A little of everything. I take care of cabins. In the winter I ski, in the summer I bike.

GRACE: Yeah, the outdoors agrees with you... works for you... does a lot for you.

CAMPBELL: And the stale air and concrete does a lot for you.

GRACE: You look good.

CAMPBELL: You look really good.

GRACE: I can't believe you're here.

KAREN: Honey, Campbell brought the wood in. [BEAT] Looks like he'll be leaving with it too.

CAMPBELL: I should go finish my rounds. But do you wanna get together later, grab a few beers?

GRACE: I'd love to. Oh, I can't. I came up with friends, and we have, uh, stuff...

CAMPBELL: Ok, well, if you change your mind, I'm working 'til midnight at Ed's Beachcomber. It's a local pub.

GRACE: Ok. It was really good seeing you. [GRACE AND CAMPBELL HUG.]

CAMPBELL: All right, take care. Midnight. [CAMPBELL EXITS.]

GRACE: Why can't I order that from the L.L. Bean catalog?

KAREN: [SIGHS] Woman, are you insane?! Go fetch it!

GRACE: No, this weekend is for Will. We're all here for him.

KAREN: Oh, I can not believe you! We are trapped alone in the wilderness with Wayland and Madame and you just let Babe the Blue Ox walk out that door! Now, you think about that.


SCENE III: Karen's Cabin
(GRACE, WILL, and JACK are playing Scrabble. Karen is cooking.)

WILL: Jack, that's not a word.

JACK: Uh, yeah, it is.

WILL: Use it in a sentence.

JACK: Every morning I... spramp my face with cold water. [MAKES A SPLASH MOTION WITH HIS HANDS.]

WILL: "Spramp" your face? What the hell is that?

JACK: Yeah, spramp. Spramp! The bubbles from a jacuzzi spramp up. Note how the sea spramps off the jagged rocks.

WILL: Just 'cause you do this, [MIMICING JACK'S "SPRAMP" MOTION] doesn't make it a word.

KAREN: I don't know, Will. Before I go to bed, I like to spramp on a little Gardenia for Stan.

WILL: No, you don't. You do not spramp, because no one has ever spramped anything in the history of language.

JACK: What a carpouche.

KAREN: Tell me about it.

GRACE: Ok, Jack, let it go.

JACK: Sorry, I forgot. This is Will's weekend. [GRACE KICKS JACK UNDER THE TABLE] Ow!

WILL: What was that?

GRACE: Uh... of fun! Will's weekend of fun. Are you having fun?

WILL: Yeah...


JACK [ALL TOGETHER]: Excellent, perfect, great!


WILL: "Overacted" said The New York Times. "Cheap and Transparent" said The Boston Globe. This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that this would have been Michael's and my anniversary?

GRACE [ALL TOGETHER]: No! Absolutely not...

KAREN [ALL TOGETHER]: No! Come on, get over yourself...

JACK [ALL TOGETHER]: No! That's ridiculous...



KAREN [ALL TOGETHER]: Maybe a little...

JACK [ALL TOGETHER]: Ok, I guess so...


WILL: Guys, that's really sweet, but it's not a big deal.

GRACE: Look, Will, we knew that this was going to be a difficult weekend for you and we thought that this would take your mind off things.


KAREN: Oh! There's my roast.

WILL: Guys, thank you. It's not that I don't appreciate your little pity party, but really, take my word for it, I'm ok about Michael.

JACK: She's such a brave little toaster.

KAREN: Ok! Here it is! Mmm...


GRACE: What is it?

KAREN: Beef tenderloin.

JACK: I don't think it's dead yet. It just looks mad and really hot.

GRACE: Karen it looks great and it--it smells... it smells. Um, Will, wh-what does it smell like?

WILL: It smells like... pizza pizza!

JACK: I'll make the call.

GRACE: I'll clear the table.

WILL: I'll bury this.

KAREN: Hey! Wait a minute...


SCENE IV: Karen's Cabin
(GRACE, WILL, KAREN, and JACK are sitting around the fireplace.)

JACK: Well, I'm bored. I'm going to take my disco nap. [JACK EXITS UP STAIRS.]

WILL: Even though you lied to me. And deceived me. And Karen's here. I'm stilling having a good time. Thanks!

GRACE: Sure! And if there's anything else I can do for you...

WILL: Now that you mention it, you can finish drying. I'm going upstairs.

GRACE: Are you sure? 'Cause, if you want, we can make s'mores.

WILL: S'mores? [MOCKING] Miss Adler, of all the counselors here at Camp Walker, you're my favorite! [WILL EXITS UP THE STAIRS.]

KAREN: Oh! God, I thought he was never gonna leave! It's 11:30, come on, get in gear!

GRACE: What are you talking about?

KAREN: Honey, it's almost midnight! It's time for Cinderella to turn into a friskly little minx! Huh? Huh?! Ha ha ha ha ha!


GRACE: Eew, when did you turn into a poker?

KAREN: Grace, it's 11:30. Campbell gets off work in half an hour. Don't you want to find out if he's "mmm-mmm-good?"

GRACE: What about Will?

KAREN: Oh, What about him? Come on, Grace. I mean, look, look out there. The squirrels are getting more action than you are.

GRACE: I don't know. Me reuniting with an old boyfriend when Will is trying to forget about his. It just doesn't seem-- Damn! Look at those squirrels go.

KAREN: All right, Grace. You're right, you're right. Forget about Campbell. Who needs him? Who needs his strong, sinewy arms and his washboard abs... and his fierce dark penetrating eyes looking at you as he backs you up against the sink, grabs you by the hair and turns you around roughly... not too roughly... but, hell, what's too roughly?!

GRACE: Hey, you're fogging up the windows. Why don't you go to bed.




SCENE V: Karen's Cabin
[JACK and KAREN are playing strip poker. JACK is in his boxer shorts, wearing a big Russian fur hat. KAREN is wearing lingerie.]

JACK: Ok, this is the money hand. The showcase showdown...

KAREN: Yep, whoever loses this hand is going to be showing the goody package. [BEAT] Honey, why are we doing this?

JACK: It's strip poker, we just keep playing until we're both naked.

KAREN: And then...?

JACK: [THINKING] Well... we could...


KAREN: [GASPS] Oh! Did you hear that?

JACK: Yes!

KAREN: Oh my god! Honey-- What is is? Oh, did you see that?! What is it?! It looks like a red, matted rodent or something!

JACK: Well, I can't quite-- Oh, there it is! What the hell is that?!

KAREN: I don't know, but it's moving around back!

JACK: I'll get the flashlight.

KAREN: Oh! I don't think I've ever seen that color in nature before.



KAREN: Oh my god! Is it a yeti?!

JACK: No. It's a single white female with a terra cotta rinse.

GRACE: [ENTERING] What are you doing? You scared the crap out of me!

JACK: Well, I'm sorry, we thought you were Big Foot's cousin, Big Hair. Ha ha!

KAREN: So, where were ya? Did you go out with lover boy?

GRACE: Yes. And keep your mouths shut about it, if that's possible.

JACK: Well, color you moody. What's the problem?

GRACE: What's the problem? You wanna know what my problem is? There's a man out there that wants me and I'm not with him because there's a man upstairs who needs me. [SIGHS] I'm spramped if I do, and I'm spramped if I don't.

JACK: Ok, first of all, that's the incorrect use of that word. Second of all, so, cut to the chase. Am I going to be an uncle or not?


GRACE: No! We just kissed.

GRACE: Ok, then a little over-the-sweater action, but that's it.

KAREN: Grace! I got further with Jack tonight!

GRACE: I haven't felt this good in a long time, and it's all your fault, Karen!

KAREN: Hey. I have feelings too, you know.


KAREN: Damn it! I was trying to keep a straight face.

GRACE: I'm going to bed. By the way, it looks like Dr. Zhivago threw up on you. [GRACE EXITS TO THE BEDROOM.]

KAREN: She needs help. Listen, we gotta clear outta here tomorrow so that Grace can be with Campbell.

JACK: Uh, there's a gay bar exactly 5.3 miles north-northwest of here.

KAREN: Oh. Gaydar?

JACK: Cop at the toll booth.


SCENE VI: The Gay Pub
(JACK and WILL enter. There is no one in the pub except the BARTENDER.)

WILL: You're sure this is a gay bar?

[Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" starts playing on the jukebox: "At first I was afraid, I was petrified..."]

JACK: Here, let me buy you a drink.

WILL: Thanks, Jack. It's nice of you to offer. $20 enough?

JACK: Yeah, that'll get us started.

BARTENDER: What's your pleasure?

JACK and WILL [TOGETHER]: George Stephanopolous.



SCENE VII: Karen's Cabin
(GRACE and CAMPBELL are sitting on the couch, kissing and hugging.)


GRACE: Ok, before we go any further, I have to say that I do not want this getting around school. I'm running for class treasurer, and if you blab, I'm only going to get the football vote.

CAMPBELL: Can I tell Billy Wilcox?

GRACE: Hmm, I thought you were Billy Wilcox. Oh well...

WILL: [KNOCKING ON THE BACK DOOR] Grace? Open up, I don't have a key.

GRACE: [TO CAMPBELL] Oh my god, it's Will.

CAMPBELL: Your boyfriend?

GRACE: No, worse! My gay roommate! You gotta hide. Here, on the porch.





GRACE: What are you doing home. Are you ok?

WILL: I'm fine. Why be in an empty bar when I can be home with you. You look flushed, Gracie. Are you sick?

GRACE: Oh! Oh, yeah, I think I'm contagious, you should stay away from me. Good night! [GRACE PUSHES WILL OUT THE BACK DOOR AND SHUTS IT. HE KNOCKS AGAIN, AND SHE LETS HIM BACK IN.]

WILL: You're in a weird mood. You didn't eat any of Karen's cooking, did you? Because I thought I threw that whole thing into the lake.


WILL: Oh my god. It's back and this time it's personal.

GRACE: Don't answer that. It's probably just the wind... blowing a pine cone against the door... three times in rapid succession.

WILL: [SCOFFS] What are you talking about, crazy? It's probably just Jack.

GRACE: You know what? Screw him.

WILL: No, thank you.


CAMPBELL: Hi... What do you know, it's winter out there...

WILL: Uh... did I interrupt something?

CAMPBELL: Yeah, and I think I should be going.

GRACE: I'm sorry, Campbell.


CAMPBELL: Am I moving? I can't feel my legs.


WILL: Uh, Grace... what's with the mansicle?

GRACE: [SIGHS] I am so sorry. We ran into each other yesterday and it just--it just happened. I didn't plan on it.

WILL: You ran into each other yesterday? Why didn't you tell me?

GRACE: I didn't-- I didn't want to upset you.

WILL: Why would that upset me?

GRACE: Well, your anniversary and I know you were feeling sort of fragile and--

WILL: Oh, fragile. So, now I'm so lonely and pathetic that I can't even handle the fact that my best friend is seeing someone? Is that it?

GRACE: No, no. I just, I-I-I wanted to protect you.

WILL: Look, I don't need you to protect me from nanookie from the north, out there? I told you I was fine.

GRACE: I know, Will, but you always say that you're fine--

WILL: Because I am fine! You think I care who you sleep with? Sleep with as many guys as you want. I don't care if you sleep with 2 guys, or 6 guys, or 11 guys, or 27 guys--

GRACE: Ok, I get it, you know a lot of numbers.

WILL: Don't feel sorry for me, Grace, ok? I'm fine. In fact, I'm more than fine! [YELLING] I'm perfectly fine!

GRACE: Then why are you shrieking?

WILL: [YELLING] Because I'm not fine! [SIGHS, CALMER] I miss Michael. I don't want to, but I do.

GRACE: I know, and I sympathize. That's why I brought you up here.

WILL: And the thing that kills me, is that if a neurotic wing nut like you can get on with her love life...

GRACE: Ok, losing my sympathy now...

WILL: No, no. But, I mean, if you can and I can't, what does that say about me?

GRACE: Will, it doesn't say anything about you. I just got there first.

WILL: I know, I know. And I'm happy for you and I think it's great. I just... can't believe that a lunatic like you got there first.

GRACE: Ok, we've been down that road already.

WILL: All right, I know. It's great. Maybe I need to be more of a lunatic.

GRACE: I think you've got that covered.

WILL: Yeah...


SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are sitting on the couch.)

WILL: So, what happened next?

GRACE: So then we kissed for a really long time.

WILL: Breath?

GRACE: Perfect. He had brushed his teeth, but not right before, so it wasn't one of those Colgate kisses.

WILL: Blah, blah, blah. Get to the good stuff.

GRACE: I'm going to bed. I'll tell you the rest tomorrow.

WILL: Wow, is it that good?

GRACE: No, it just doesn't happen that often. I have to ration. You ok?

WILL: I'm fine.

[GRACE exits to her bedroom. WILL smells the scarf Michael gave him, then wraps it around his neck, and sits alone on the couch...]